AWAKE

IT'S brunchtime in the Golden Langoustine and two executives - one senior, one junior - have secured a table overlooking Rodeo Drive.

"So, I read this article that says every year people all over the world wake up while under general anaesthetic," Hiram Bigwig says. "Imagine that. They wake up under anaesthetic. They're still paralysed, though."

"How many people? Isn't this just some statistically insignificant anomaly?"

"How many? What does that matter? This is one hell of an idea for a movie."

Myron Lickspittle ponders. The hero spends the entire picture lying paralysed on an operating table? It sounds like a terrible idea for a film.

"It does sound like a great idea for a film," Myron says.

"So I suggest we get two hot young stars with hot young bods - Jessica Alba and Hayden Christensen sound about right - and we make it into a murder mystery . . . "

As Hiram drones on, Myron considers this horrible prospect. Hayden Christensen, the famously comatose star of Revenge of the Sith, under heavy sedation? The joke just writes itself for film critics. And let's not start on the chronically underwhelming Alba.

" . . . and then, when Christensen wakes up, he has a sort of out-of-body experience and is able to walk around the hospital and discover facts about the plot to kill him."

Myron struggles to avoid furrowing his brow. So the hero can prowl about in the second act? But, hang on. You either make a film about somebody waking up on the operating table or you don't. If he's able to walk about, then you may as well abandon the central premise. It makes no sense whatsoever.

"It makes perfect sense," Myron purrs.

"Yeah I know. I know! And we'll get some new guy to direct it and we'll tell him to make it look all cool blue and . . . "

The idiocies continue to mount up. Myron Lickspittle smiles as he imagines himself, one year hence, sitting contentedly in the boss's seat.