Arctic Tale

ANYBODY troubled by the anthropomorphism in March of the Penguins would, if somehow forced to attend this ghastly arctic soap opera, be well advised to bring a sick-bag along with them.

Narrated by the admirable Queen Latifah, the picture, a production of the National Geographic Society, purports to tell the parallel stories of a cheeky little polar bear cub and an equally spirited walrus pup. You don't need a degree in marine biology to foresee difficulties in retaining the heart-warming tone when one of your two main characters occupies a link in the food chain immediately beneath the other.

Fear not. If the makers of Arctic Tale are to be believed, animals never exactly kill one another in the globe's northern reaches. They happen upon creatures that have already died. Occasionally they are dragged beyond the frame to suffer some poorly defined fate.

The winters are getting shorter and the ice is getting softer, but none of this manages to dissuade the writers - among them one of Al Gore's daughters - from presenting the Arctic as a colder version of Sesame Street. Laugh as the walruses pass wind. ("They're playing a game of pull- my-flipper," the Queen quips.) Join in with Sister Sledge as We Are Family is played over footage of various generations huddling together on an ice floe.

Hey, let's totally abandon ourselves to anthropomorphic compromise by dressing the bears in hats and teaching them all to play the ukulele.

Are we being unnecessarily grumpy? Does it matter that the distinctly indifferent wildlife photography - the underwater footage looks as if it was recorded on a camera-phone - was gathered over many years and that film of different bear cubs is pasted together to create one character? I think it does.

If you are going to end your film with a gaggle of smug, racially diverse children lecturing the audience on how best to lessen its carbon footprint, you had better make sure you have been telling the truth to this point. Otherwise viewers will, quite reasonably, dismiss the arguments before they returning to their SUVs.