Pádraig Ó'Moráin: ‘We are encouraged to burst with self-confidence and self-esteem’

We don’t hear as much about self-esteem as we did a couple of decades ago.

For a time, it was all the rage. Low self-esteem was seen as the cause of everything bad. High self-esteem was the solution to all social and psychological problems.

It was overdone, though. Programmes to improve levels of self-esteem didn’t solve all social problems. Indeed, the self-esteem movement began to be blamed for the large numbers of entitled people who seemed to be around — though I suspect they might just have become more visible.

So the self-esteem movement ran into a wall of disillusionment and society threw out both the self-esteem baby and the self-esteem bathwater

These entitled people believe the world must revolve around them and their needs and wants.

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So the self-esteem movement ran into a wall of disillusionment and society threw out both the self-esteem baby and the self-esteem bathwater.

Since then, we have all been humbled by financial collapse, pandemic and war, so maybe it’s okay to talk about self-esteem again. We should, because good self-esteem is worth having, regardless of whether it fixes the ills of society.

Many counsellors will have observed that people with low self-esteem are open to being pushed around by other people and taken advantage of. Indeed their low self-esteem may have derived from such experiences.

Quite apart from the dangers of being treated badly, is the problem that low self-esteem can act like an insidious poison in a person’s life. People may be afraid to reach for goals or, indeed, for relationships that they feel unworthy of. They live with the sense of being of low worth or, worse, of no worth compared to the average person around them.

Some of this can come from the surrounding society. I grew up in a society in which low self-esteem was almost something to value because its opposite was pride and pride was one of the seven deadly sins.

A person can become so used to a feeling of unworthiness that it becomes part of them

It’s different today: we are told we must all burst with self-confidence and self-esteem. People project these qualities in the media, both old and new. These are often fake because the “perfect ones” can be in emotional pain behind the scenes.

Nevertheless, this can be a source of low self-esteem for those who feel they cannot live up to the images projected at them.

But knowing the source isn’t always the cure in itself. A person can become so used to a feeling of unworthiness that it becomes part of them.

Cultivating a sense of self-worth takes time, like nurturing a plant that needs a lot of care if it is to grow and flourish.

An approach that I would recommend is to work at developing a feeling of what is called authentic pride. This is thinking about, noting and acknowledging the things about you that are good and that are true. Maybe you have treated somebody well, or are good at a particular aspect of the job you do or maybe you try to be kind in general, for instance.

It can help a lot if you have friends who genuinely see things that are good about you as opposed to toxic friends

The great thing about authentic pride is that it’s quiet and has its own strength — it’s not brash and belligerent: you don’t have to go around beating your chest like King Kong.

Instead, you’re just saying that these things about you are good and true. But you have to keep reminding yourself if you are to get it embedded in your brain just as the poor self-esteem got embedded in your brain. Embedded means it became routine to think about yourself negatively so you have to build a new road, so to speak, to a healthy way of thinking.

It can help a lot if you have friends who genuinely see things that are good about you as opposed to toxic friends. Whether we like it or not, our self-esteem is susceptible to the influence of other people — so try to be influenced by people who will build you up and not by those who would tear you down, even if they masquerade as friends.

It can be a long road but it can also be the most rewarding journey you take in your life.

• Padraig O’Morain (Instagram, Twitter: @padraigomorain) is accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His books include Acceptance — create change and move forward; his daily mindfulness reminder is available free by email (pomorain@yahoo.com).