Remember the days when Halloween involved nothing more than a handful of monkey nuts and a few Satsumas, and all you needed for a class costume was a couple of cardboard stars courtesy of a Coco Pops box and a black refuse bag?
Well my friend, sweet bird of youth has flown, and now before the first autumnal leaf has fluttered to the ground your local supermarket has dedicated a full aisle to Scream masks, canned cobwebs and every type of carcinogenic sweetie imaginable to feed the kids.
Fancy dress has become fancy, and since you did the Invisible Man using a trilby, sunglasses, and your dad’s endless supply of tennis-elbow bandages last year, you find yourself in need of inspiration, no? Worry not, a few probing questions should help you decide what to dress up as this year.
For example, have you previously dressed up as Osama Bin Laden or Saddam Hussein for a Halloween party? Easy. This year get yourself a flesh-coloured swimming cap, some orange wool (to fashion a bad combover), a gallon of nuclear fake tan and voila – you are ready to offend every left-leaning liberal softie at the party as none other than US presidential hopeful Donald Trump.
If you have an annual subscription to Heat magazine and never miss an episode of Strictly or The X Factor, then I'm pleased to tell you that while you and I may never be friends, you do in fact have an infinite well of costumes to choose from.
All you need to do is pick your fave sleb and preface their name with “undead” and you’re on to a winner. Lobotomised Louis Walsh? Corpse-bride Cheryl? Sinister Simon?
If you are a fan of the sexy witch look then add a bit of edge this year by investing in a PVC bra, giving yourself a wedgie, sticking your tongue out and going as agent provocateur Miley Cyrus.
Last year, of course, those who like to push the envelope went for villain of choice, Jimmy Saville. Wish them luck this year: Bill Cosby will be much trickier to pull off.
