TV View: There's a song by the name of Everyday is like Sunday, one that celebrates the loveliness of English seaside towns on dismally dreary Sunday afternoons (this is the coastal town that they forgot to bomb . . . come Armageddon, come). Forget who the singer was, but it could have been Marty Morrissey
Just as well every day isn't like yesterday, there wouldn't be a spud in the house peeled. From Monaco to the Curragh to Semple Stadium to Fir Park to Murrayfield to Carton House . . . and that was only the half of it.
And, as ever on days like this, you end up seeing nothing properly at all. Snatches of that and snippets of this, missing all the best stuff in between. For example, safe in the knowledge that Celtic had the league wrapped up we switched away from Setanta to watch the closing stages of Cork and Waterford, returning in time to see a little Celtic boy in floods of tears and Rangers fans having a céilídh at Easter Road.
Truly, it was like Armageddon had come. Only Motherwell had caused more destruction.
The only bright spot in the footballing afternoon was the Setanta interview with Rangers' Spanish goalscorer Nacho Novo. "It's a gooda feeling, we have gooda moments and bada moments all season," he said, "I actually nae believe it. It'sa for my girlfriend and my two wee boys." Not since Jan Molby began speaking in Danish-Scouse have two accents collided so spectacularly.
Anyway. We would have stayed with Setanta to watch Rangers' celebrations only the channel was switched again when we accidentally threw the remote control against the wall and then danced on it before placing it in the microwave, and then the toaster.
It was possibly while it was in the food processor that '2' was inadvertently pressed, taking us back to Semple Stadium. A fine game it was too, although Cork took time to settle, not opening their account until that goal after 60 seconds. As Cyril Farrell put it at half time, "The one team you don't want to give a start like that to is Cork or Kilkenny." Half time. "We haven't even heard Brian Corcoran's name, we haven't even seen him on the ball, I don't think he's touched the ball in the first 35 minutes," noted Ger Loughnane.
One minute in to the second half? "Cooooooorcoran," said Marty Morrissey, when Cooooooorcoran scored a goal.
Which was one more goal than we got, in those 120 minutes, at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium. Now, following advice from our legal department, we can't say too much about the FA Cup final because the theft of the trophy by an 11-strong North London gang is currently the subject of a police investigation. So we have to be cautious here.
But, as one of our former friends put it, "the Coca Pepsi Cola California Raisins Man Chester Buccaneers were downed in a field-goal, sudden-death competition when Patty Vieira touched down with a 12-yarder, after Roy 'Stern Stare' Keano had tied the scores with his field goal".
This, he told us many, many times, was the first FA Cup final field-goal, sudden-death competition John Motson had ever commentated on. And he told us this was the very first time the three officials would wear yellow in a cup final. And that the last cup final to go to extra time after 0-0 was 1985. And that "the last of only three FA Cup finals to remain goalless after extra time took place in 1912 - do you know what was important about 1912 Mark?" "Tell me Motty," said Lawrenson, who had long since lost the will to live. "The Titanic sank," declared Motty. Before adding: "but that's another piece of useless information." Ah no! When you think about it, the majestic Titanic was sailing smoothly and quite magnificently all day, conquering any pesky wave that raised its head, dominating all that was thrown before it by a subjugated ocean, and was then, having done all the hard work, downed, at the death, by a miserable lump of an iceberg, one that had contributed nothing to the glorious journey, one that was just lucky enough to keep its cool in the field-goal, sudden-death competition against its splendidly built and superior opponent.
We wish the Cardiff police well in its hunt for that North London gang and its French ring-leader (Psst: if you contact the BBC you'll get some top-quality CCTV of the crime).
