AGAINST THE ODDS:THERE WERE worse places to be, thought Vinny Fitzpatrick, as he lay in bed on Sunday morning, the sports pages of the newspapers and TV remote control to hand.

By rights, he should be shuffling out to Howth on the 31 but having been carried from the battlefield of the Banana Cup in Balrothery cricket club on Saturday semi-conscious he had been given the day off.

Earlier, on a slow shuffle to the toilet, Vinny had given himself a once over and agreed it looked like he’d been in a scrap. An empurpled eye was up like a balloon; his lip was split, his back was in bits while his shin was black and blue.

As he polished off one of Angie’s outstanding sausage sandwiches, he reflected on an afternoon of fun, frolics and an improbable finale in Fingal.

The contest had begun as he had expected, tardily.

While his Clontarf troops had arrived in Balrothery at the appointed time of noon, the crews, representing Conyngham Road, Donnybrook Harristown, Phibsboro, Ringsend and Summerhill stopped for a pint in Swords and had arrived, not only late, but in bunches – to Vinny’s dismay.

When things got going, Clontarf made a disastrous opening in the lawn bowls as they were tanked 21-10 by Donnybrook’s dead-eye Dicks, whose captain, “Stormin” Norman Fagan, was chuffed. “Vinny, those couple of jars made all the difference to our lads. It got their eye in,” he smirked.

Donnybrook then ran Ringsend ragged in the final where their star player, a broad-shouldered giant known as Slingshot Steve, sent the jack half-way to Balbriggan to save an end.

“Slingshot plays 10-pin League in the Stillorgan Bowl. No one here can handle him,” grinned Stormin’ Norman.

If Clontarf’s position was poor after the bowls, it was even more precarious after the table tennis where they ran into the unplayable spin of the all-smiling, all-bowing silent assassin, called Mister Lu. He may live in “Blanch” but he wouldn’t have looked out of place in Beijing last summer, thought Vinny after Mister Lu led Harristown to a landslide.

After two events, Clontarf were rock bottom, their title hopes gone and Vinny knew how Dubs boss Pat Gilroy felt at half-time in the All-Ireland quarter-final against Kerry.

Aware his side couldn’t retain the Banana Cup, Vinny had given the nod for refuelling during the mid-afternoon break.

With gargle in their veins, Clontarf’s mallet men edged out Phibsboro and Summerhill to reach the croquet final where they ran into Slingshot Sam, who gleefully thumped their red and yellow balls all over the ground.

Then, after tapping his blue ball against the centre peg for victory, Slingshot celebrated with an almighty swipe, his wooden orb catching Vinny at full tilt, standing a few feet away, smack on the shin. Vinny yelped and went down as if he’d been shot by a sniper. For a bit he couldn’t feel his right leg and then the pain kicked in, in waves.

It meant for the final event, the baseball, Vinny sat perched on a chair behind the batter, a towel and bag of ice wrapped around his leg, and a notebook in his hand.

Try as he might, he couldn’t get the image of poor James Connolly being propped up in Kilmainham Gaol out of his head, as play got under way.

For the baseball, there was a slightly Irish twist. Bowling was under-arm and no player could be struck out; he had to run whether he got a good ball or not.

For Clontarf, the afternoon had been a nightmare but Shanghai Jimmy, playing his last Banana Cup before retirement, went out with a flourish when he caught the ball flush and gimped around for a run. As the stumpy, slight figure arrived back at home base, he did a high five with Vinny.

Keeping score, Vinny charted the progress of Donnybrook and Harristown to the final where a win for either side would clinch the Banana Cup.

Donnybrook were the Manchester Uniteds of the competition, with an attitude to match, having won a record 15 times since it began in 1970.

For the decider, the field was flanked with high-spirited garage workers, many of whom were fuelled up. From his perch, Vinny had an unobstructed view of the bowler, batter, and all the bases, which were marked by wooden poles.

After the first innings, the scores were tied at 2-2, and as the second innings progressed the mood became more competitive on the field, and more boisterous off it. As the last batter, Slingshot Steve, approached home base, Harristown led 4-3. But Donnybrook had a runner at first base and if Slingshot could smash a home run, they would win 5-4.

The thrower, Mister Lu, bowed at Slingshot who snarled back, “Get on with it.” Mister Lu smiled and bowed again before throwing the ball, under-arm, towards Slingshot.

From Vinny’s position, it looked like the most gentle of deliveries, food and drink to Slingshot, he thought. But the ball spun imperceptibly as Slingshot swung and the connection while hard, wasn’t quite clean.

Slingshot shot off towards first base, from where his fellow driver had already departed.

From his pitch, Vinny saw the fielder in the distance retrieve the ball, mis-field slightly and then throw it in the direction of Mister Lu at home base.

Vinny was aware of the first Donnybrook runner making it back and then, from the corner of his eye, he spied Slingshot Steve, hurtling around third base and charging for home like a rampaging rhino.

But now Mister Lu had the ball and was darting, mongoose-like, towards home base too. Vinny leaned forward from his chair; he had the best view in the house.

There were three of them, Slingshot Steve, Mister Lu and Vinny; two running at pace, one not. And then Vinny felt himself slipping off his pedestal; he put out his leg to stop himself; his bad leg, and instantly felt it give way.

He toppled forward at the precise moment 16-stone Slingshot Steve and nine-stone Mister Lu arrived at home base. There was carnage.

As he knocked back two pain-killers with a glass of water on Sunday morning, Vinny winced as he reflected on the impact of his unfortunate intrusion.

Slingshot had taken a knee in the groin from Mister Lu and had squealed like a pig for an age, while Vinny had clashed heads with Mister Lu which left him groggy. As for the indestructible Mister Lu, he had dusted himself down, bowed and smiled before walking away unscathed.

No one could say for certainty which player had made it back first, the batter or bowler, and an historic tie had been declared in the Banana Cup.

Bets of the week

2pts Kilkenny to beat Tipperary by 4-6 points in All-Ireland SHC final (4/1, Paddy Power)

1pt ew Pádraig Harrington in Deutsche Bank Championship (16/1, general)

Vinny's Bismarck

1pt Lay Cyprus to beat Ireland in World Cup qualifier (3/1, Paddy Power, liability 3pts)