Day seven. I think. Or is it eight? Never mind. These days time is measured in 90-minute units, plus injury time. Luckily there haven't been too many injuries so far, except when someone threatened to replay the Holland v Belgium match on the video last night. Turned a little ugly then. The tear gas sorted us out, though. Order was restored just in time to hear Bobby Robson sum up England's performance on UTV's World Cup Encore. "The defence was very soluble . . . solid, and reliable . . . there's no reason not to be unhappy, Bob," he said. Do three negatives equal a positive? If so, does that mean Bobby was unhappy with England's display? Or does it . . . never mind.
In the early hours of the morning, John from Liverpool rang Channel Four's Under the Moon World Cup Special to denounce the rioting English fans in Marseille. "This violence is terrible, I'm sick of it - those so-called English supporters want bombing, don't they? They want shooting, don't they?"
"That's hardly a non-violent solution John, is it?" said presenter Danny Kelly. No, but it might work.
While Sky hasn't YET secured the rights to live World Cup football, it's been busy bringing us live football violence. Wherever there's a scrap in France, Sky is there. It also appears to have hired Dougie Brimson, a retired football hooligan, as its hooliganism consultant for the duration of the finals - so at least these guys know there's an alternative career once they're too old to riot.
Yesterday morning, Sky News told us that one of the England supporters arrested in Marseille, Leeds' fan James Shayler, was banned for life from Elland Road and from going to Leeds away games. Talk about crime paying. Time to stop rewarding these guys for their thuggery.
Scotland v Norway. Someone tell Alex Ferguson he's been lying in the sun too long wearing only sunglasses. His skin was the colour of Norway's jerseys, apart from the white rings around his eyes.
Even if you're not Scottish, it's hard not to burst into tears on hearing Flower of Scotland. "It's worth a corner kick or two," says Jimmy Magee. More than that Jimmy, it's a national anthem fit to grace the second round of any World Cup.
Uh oh. "Havard Floooo Ooooh," shrieks Jimmy when one of Norway's many Flos scores at the beginning of the second half. "Well, that's the last thing Scotland needed, Archie," observes Bryan Robson over on Eurosport (no relation to Bobby but, sometimes, it sounds like they were separated at birth). "Craaaayge Burleeeeeeee," howls Jimmy when Scotland equalise. "That's exactly what Scotland needed, Archie," says Robson. Shortly after, Scotland win a corner. "This is exactly what Scotland need Archie, a little bit of pressure," says Bryan. "Say that once more and I'll throw you off this gantry," Archie McPherson needs to say but doesn't. Meanwhile, the tension's getting to Brian Moore on ITV. "He wanted to take that quick kickly," he says, as John Collins attempts to hurry proceedings. Full time, 1-1. Alex is smiling. Or maybe it was the horizontal hold on the telly. Jim Rosenthal becomes the 12,487th person in the past 10 days to say, "Will Scotland be home before the postcards?". It should be outlawed, along with the tackle from behind.
Brazil v Morocco. Ronaldo scores. About time too. I spent u(pound sign) £19.5 million of my u20m £20 million Fantasy World Cup budget on him, leaving me with 10 reserve goalkeepers to complete my lineup. Morocco appeal for a penalty. Did the ball hit Junior Baiano's chest or arm? "That definitely hit his chest," insists Kevin Keegan. "And it's a big chest. The sort of chest they used to put gold in and take overseas. A massive chest." If things don't work out at Fulham, Kev, there's always a job for you on Jackanory. If they ever decide to bring it back. Man of the tournament so far? Undoubtedly the wonderful Barry Murphy, aka Frank Stapleton, on RTE's Apres Match. He should have his own replica jersey by now. If only RTE would give him the commentating job for Belgium's next match. As he put it himself: "They're like an empty tin of pears, a bit lack-Lustre."
