Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

JANUARY

“We know that Arsene Wenger likes the look of Andrei Arshavin, but I like the look of Angelina Jolie – it doesn’t always mean you get what you want.”

– Dennis Lachter, the Russian player’s agent. Days later Wenger got what he wanted: Arshavin. Dennis, alas, remains Angelina-less.

Ted Hankey: "I've stopped drinking, so I feel healthier, look healthier and I am healthier."

Ray Stubbs (BBC): "So you're not going to the bar now, then?"

Hankey: "No – I'm off outside for a cigarette."

– The world darts champion boasting about his new, wholesome lifestyle.

“We made an offer too, but it was turned down. We offered Stoke-on-Trent.”

– Stoke City manager Tony Pulis on the club’s, eh, efforts to rival Manchester City’s £100 million bid for Brazilian maestro Kaka.

“Belfast is where they built the Titanic so those temporary stands might not be up to much.”

– A nervy Tyrone Howe, former Irish international and now a Sky commentator, as the makeshift stands at Ravenhill took a battering from the elements during the Heineken Cup game against Harlequins.

“If you love Golden Wonder clap your hands.”

– Peterborough’s travelling fans attempting to provoke their Leicester hosts at the Walkers’ Stadium.

FEBRUARY

“Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.”

– Brian O’Driscoll’s response when asked about his relationship with England coach Martin Johnson. That cleared that up, then.

Tom McGurk: "Are you worried George?"

George Hook: "No, I'm not worried."

Conor O'Shea: "I'm just worried because he's not worried – that worries me."

Brent Pope: "That worries me too – and the nation worries when he's not worried."

George: "Actually, to be honest, it worries me that I'm not worried."

Brent: "Everybody's worried Tom, which is worrying."

– The RTÉ panel fretting before Ireland's Six Nations game against England. In the end? No worries. Ireland hammered them 14-13 .

“The staff came in and said ‘Clive Clarke has had a heart attack at Leicester’. I said, ‘Is he okay? I’m shocked they found one, you could never tell by the way he plays’.”

– Roy Keane on his concern for the well-being of his former Sunderland player.

Tracy Piggott: "It's 100 years since we scored three tries against France."

Declan Kidney: "Is it?"

Piggott: "Yes."

Kidney: "Well, we'll just try and work out why we didn't score a fourth."

– After the 30-21 defeat of France the Irish coach lost the run of himself.

“I’ll ask you a question. There’s a greyhound going through a field and he sees a rabbit. The rabbit gets up and starts running. The greyhound fancies a bit of snap, but the rabbit fancies his life. Who runs the hardest? The rabbit, absolutely! That’s been my view on life.”

– Mick McCarthy in response to a suggestion that Wolves would easily beat Plymouth. True enough, the rabbit out-ran the greyhound: Plymouth won 1-0.

MARCH

“It was a manky one, but it went over.”

– Paul O’Connell’s tribute to Ronan O’Gara’s Grand Slam-winning drop goal.

“Walking back to the posts after the referee had signalled, it was a state of almost shock . . . I’ve been in a car crash before and you get a kind of numbness after the incident, and it was almost something close to that.”

– Paddy Wallace on conceding that last-minute penalty to Wales in Cardiff.

“This is all due to the groundwork done by Eddie (O’Sullivan) and all the coaching team, and all that’s done in the provinces, and more so in the schools, because they’re the ones who enrich the kids.”

– A typically cocky Declan Kidney taking full personal credit for the Grand Slam.

“I’d be a believer that you don’t ever own a jersey, you don’t ever nail down a jersey. You have it for one afternoon, and that’s your chance. You leave your DNA in it, and what way do you leave it? Hopefully the lads today have added their little bit to it.”

– Kidney again.

“Mahatma Gandhi’s mother would have won on that horse.”

– RTÉ’s Ted Walsh somewhat playing down his son Ruby’s sixth winner at Cheltenham on American Trilogy.

“I am not, as some would have it, resigning ‘for the good of Cork hurling’. In fact, and without being presumptuous, I would regard my resignation in the current circumstances as being detrimental to Cork hurling in the long term.”

– Gerald McCarthy announcing he was stepping down as Cork hurling manager, with the dispute ending as bitterly as it began.

APRIL

“That’s the way we were woken up in the morning – banged over the head with a plastic golf club.”

– Rosie McIlroy, finally getting a lie-in now that Rory’s occupied on the professional tour.

Ryan Tubridy: "What will you bring to the job (of Faroe Islands manager)?"

Brian Kerr: "I was thinking of bringing rosary beads."

– Indeed, there was some divine intervention in September when Kerr’s charges recorded their first World Cup qualifying game victory since 2001.

“I’ve never been so certain about anything in my life. I want to be a coach. Or a manager, I’m not sure which.”

– Everton’s Phil Neville unwaveringly in two minds about his future.

“Liam, just give us a big grin to the camera. He hasn’t got the best teeth in the world, but you can afford to go and get them done now if you like.”

– Clare Balding’s greeting for Liam Treadwell, live on the BBC, after the jockey had won the English Grand National. Treadwell said he was “humiliated”, Balding later apologised.

“At six o’clock on Saturday morning I was varnishing the garage. What a horse of a man I am.”

– Mick McCarthy on his rowdy celebrations after Wolves clinched promotion to the Premier League.

MAY

“This has come so fast I don’t know where I am, but I’ll have a couple of pints and then try to sort out things in the morning.

– Shane Lowry after winning the Irish Open, the first amateur to win on his Tour debut.

“That was a pretty good end to a pretty good season.”

– Rocky Elsom getting a bit carried away with himself after Leinster beat Leicester to win their first Heineken Cup.

“Some very distasteful things were said and we haven’t forgotten because you can’t forget things like that. We have proved those particular people wrong. I knew the resilience and the character of this team and winning this trophy means absolutely everything.”

– Brian O’Driscoll, after Leinster’s triumph, telling the critics where to stick their “ladyboys” jibe.

“The champions are the team with the most points . . . if United have more points, it means they have more points, that’s all. Nothing else.”

– Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez offering a gracious “congratulations” to Alex Ferguson after Manchester United won the English Premier League.

“Ravi Bopara joins Herbert Sutcliffe, Denis Compton, myself and Graham Gooch as the only Englishmen to make three successive Test hundreds. If he becomes half as good as the four before him he’ll make a great cricketer.”

– The ever unassuming Geoffrey Boycott.

JUNE

“Why don’t we all go to the nearest ballet shop, get some nice tutus and get some great dancing going on. No eye-gouging, no tackling, no nothing. Then enjoy.”

– South Africa coach Peter de Villiers manfully responding to accusations of eye-gouging on the Lions tour.

“You know that great piece of Irish literature we were all subjected to when we went to school? Peig. Her opening line about herself was that she was an old woman now, with one leg on the bank and the other in the grave – and in a way it could sum up this Kerry football team.”

– Pat Spillane, administering the last rites to Kerry’s 2009 All-Ireland hopes after they lost to Cork in the Munster semi-final replay.

“I never waited 27 years, because 27 years ago I was just born. My parents never told me, ‘If you don’t win Roland Garros we take you to the orphanage’.”

– Roger Federer, pointing out that he wasn’t hankering after his first French Open title for quite as long as some folk assumed.

“When I was keeping goal I felt like I was defending the gateway to my motherland.”

– Ri Myong Guk after North Korea qualified for their first World Cup since 1966 with a draw against Saudi Arabia. He was, it would seem, rather committed to the cause.

“I use some of my trophies for make-up brushes so maybe I’ll just take a step back, take all the make-up brushes out and really appreciate every title and every trophy.”

– Serena Williams, who collected another make-up container at Wimbledon where she beat Venus in the final.

JULY

“My relationship with Lance Armstrong is zero. He is a great rider and has completed a great race, but it is another thing on a personal level - I have never had great admiration for him and I never will.

– Alberto Contador, after his Tour de France triumph, paying a warm tribute to his illustrious team-mate.

“I had a feeling at changeovers that we would be there all summer long, that they would close the roof, people would sleep all night and wake up and me and Andy would still be there, beards growing, holding serve.”

– Roger Federer after beating Andy Roddick in a marathon Wimbledon final, 16-14 in the fifth set.

“The great players cost a lot of money, and if you want them you have to pay it. I’m happy to be the most expensive player in the world.”

– A humble Cristiano Ronaldo on his €90 million move to Real.

“I have mostly been eating chicken wings – I only stick to things I can spell.”

– American golfer Boo Weekley on his British Open diet. He should have tried alphabet soup.

“He’s one of those players you’ll stand naked in the snow to watch.”

– RTÉ’s Martin Carney willing to risk frostbite just to see Monaghan’s Paul Finlay in action.

AUGUST

“I thought it wouldn’t hurt to try.”

– Usain Bolt on how he managed to smash the 200 metres world record in the World Championships in Berlin. It wasn’t entirely effortless after all.

“After having discussed this with my girlfriend, I took the view that adequate compensation for all of this would be the club apologising to me, extending my contract terms and paying off the mortgage on the house I own with my girlfriend.”

– Harlequins’ Tom Williams on the modest demands he put to his club after being banned from rugby for four months (after appeal) for his involvement in the “Bloodgate” scandal. He was, after all, just following orders.

“I remember getting beaten at Bolton last year and looking at the bench. I think two of them were asleep with hats pulled down and blankets over them. I said, ‘I’m sorry to drag you up here, I know it’s ****ing cold and you could be at home with the missus with a cup of tea. It’s hard for 30 grand a week to watch a game’.”

– Harry Redknapp, close to issuing a bench warrant for his sleepy subs.

“I remember one time Pat (Spillane) said when Tyrone weren’t winning All-Irelands we should send a bus load of women down to Kerry and it would sort them out. I can tell Pat that this decade they should have been sending their women to Tyrone.”

– Tyrone legend Frank McGuigan, eh, challenging Spillane’s claim that Kerry are the “team of the decade”. Mind you, come September the Kingdom’s pure-breds were at it again. Winning All-Irelands, that is.

“If he left everybody out of the squad who was singing that night, there’d probably be only two people in the squad – and that’s only because they didn’t know the songs we were singing.”

– Andy Reid on the origins of his Giovanni Trapattoni-imposed exile from the Irish squad.

SEPTEMBER

Marty Morrissey: "Was it a penalty, Brian, do you think?"

Brian Cody: "Diarmuid Kirwan certainly gave a penalty. If you start wondering about all the frees in the course of the game, you'll have a fairly busy time. Did you think it was a penalty yourself, Marty?"

Marty: "I wasn't too sure, but it just seemed a little bit dodgy in the replay."

Brian: "I have no idea, Marty. Did you check all the other frees as well to see were they dodgy also? Maybe you should, maybe you should."

Marty: "In terms of the referee, were you pleased overall? I'm sure you are now, considering you've won the All-Ireland, but did you think he allowed a lot to go?"

Brian: "Ah Marty, please, give me a break will you."

– Brian Cody spreads the joy after his Kilkenny side completed an All-Ireland hurling four-in-a-row.

“I would love to tell you now that I’m getting back into it this afternoon, but, as I say, if the right job comes along, David O’Leary would love to take it.”

– Eh, David O’Leary.

“If I could, I would take this ****ing ball and shove it down your ****ing throat.

– Serena Williams having a slight difference of opinion with a US Open line judge who called her for a foot fault.

“There is a lot of satisfaction in this. We were being written off – fellas like Spillane now were almost feeling pity for us. But that is where you get the energy from - you get it from enjoying each other’s company and trying to build it up.”

– Jack O’Connor on Kerry’s All-Ireland triumph.

“The more you talk about it, the worse it is. He’ll read what I say in the paper and he closes up like a hedgehog. I know the psychology of players.”

– Trapattoni on the prickly subject of Stephen Ireland.

OCTOBER

“I described it to someone as me managing Leitrim against France – not just that, but if Leitrim was scattered around 18 islands out in the middle of the sea, where they had no near neighbours who could play them in games.”

– Brian Kerr on the challenge his Faroe Islands side faced in France.

“He shook his head slowly and said: ‘Like f**k it, Donal Óg, the abuse you’re going to get about this. I thought it was hard defending your short puck-outs, but f**k it, this one?’.”

– Cork hurler Donal Óg Cusack on his father’s reaction when he told him he was gay.

“Yes, I was a bit surprised. I thought it was like Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize after eight months as President.”

– England coach Fabio Capello after David Beckham, who didn’t come off the bench until the 58th minute for the game against Belarus, was named man of the match by Steve Bruce.

“They can suck it and carry on sucking it. This is for all Argentines, minus the journalists.”

– Diego Maradona thanking the media from the heart of his bottom after a rocky World Cup qualifying campaign.

“There are a certain two or three people in the media who say stuff just for the sake of saying it . . . what’s that about? Just to get a higher salary in RTÉ, or wherever they come from? Especially (Eamon) Dunphy, he should know better by now. He’s a skinny rat, like.”

– Stephen Hunt, tempted to give Rentokil a call.

NOVEMBER

“In the case of Thierry Henry’s handling of the ball . . . an entire nation has taken on the role of unjustly oppressed victim – something the Irish do well, having had several centuries of practice.”

– Dominic Lawson, in the Sunday Times, offering Trapattoni and Co sympathy after handball-gate.

“It’s the same old Ireland, the world’s against us, and because it was a handball it’s a great excuse . . . it’s a farce. It is an over-reaction from everybody, which is usual in Ireland . . . France were there for the taking and Ireland didn’t do it. Same old story. France are going to the World Cup, get over it. We don’t want sympathy . . . it’s the usual, the usual carry-on. Boring. Bore you to death, they would.”

– More condolences, this time from Roy Keane.

Murray Deaker (Sky TV, New Zealand): "Family first and golf second? Always be like that?"

Tiger Woods: "Always."

– Uh . . . . . . . . oh.

“They (the FAI) know the match cannot be replayed and the decision of the referee is final. But they have asked, very humbly, ‘Can we be team No 33 at the World Cup?’ ”

– Fifa president Sepp Blatter, bringing the house down at a conference in Johannesburg.

DECEMBER

I hope she uses a driver next time instead of a three-iron.”

– Jesper Parnevik, who had introduced Elin Nordegren to her husband, Tiger Woods.

“Sea The Stars gets sent to stud, I get to talk to you.”

– Declan Kidney, speaking to Des Cahill at the Manager of the Year awards, contrasting his reward for a successful year with that of the four-legged Casanova.

“I tell you, if Munster win in Perpignan I’ll eat my tie.”

– George Hook previewing the game Munster won 37-14.

“This is no surprise to anyone who knows Tiger. He’s a phony and a fake and he can’t retain that squeaky-clean endorsement deal any longer.”

– American golfer Ben Crane, as quoted by the Life Style website. It turned out the quote was made up – Crane wasn’t playing at the event Life Style claimed he was interviewed.

“I’m a football manager – I wouldn’t go out and get drunk, falling around and pulling some old slag. I’m not that stupid. Even if you wanted to do it, somebody would catch you out. Having said that, Tiger Woods didn’t do too badly.”

– Spurs manager Harry Redknapp, green with envy.