The doubt over the tearaway flanker will be keeping Les Bleus on their toes too, which is unlikely to concern Declan Kidney too much, writes RISTEARD COOPER.
AFTER THE team announcement on Tuesday I happened to overhear a young man at a schools match exclaiming derisively, “Who the hell is A.N. Other?” Is he from Connacht? Nothing personal against A.N. Other, I’m sure he’s very good on his day, but Stephen Ferris please get fit, your country needs you (that’s Ireland by the way). Who’d have thought one Ulsterman could be the difference between victory and defeat on Saturday? Peter Robinson maybe? Although he probably has other things on his mind.
It’s not the first time the country has waited on tenterhooks on news from Norn Irlan, but who knows, come Saturday night we might all be singing, “SSSTAND UP FOR THE ULSSSSTERMAN”. The doubt over Ferris will be keeping Les Bleus on their toes too, which is unlikely to concern Declan Kidney too much. In fact if Kidney’s shrewd head and man-management skills had been used in the arena of political celebrity recently, we might have been spared the Enda George Show this week.
Whatever about paying € 80 to watch Ireland’s performance last Saturday, Kidney’s interviews are always well worth paying attention to. On first impressions it doesn’t seem like talking is Deccie’s thing, but he’s Cork and wise enough to realise that in his job there’s no escaping it. This week the emphasis shifted from the snooze of Croke Park to the monumental humdinger in Paris and Deccie’s seamless display of “keep talking, but say nothing” was perfectly deployed. You can’t help feeling that even in the most extreme circumstances Deccie would never plump for melodrama and his calm reserve would always come out on top. If he had been Captain of the Titanic for example, James Cameron would surely have had a different hero in the central role.
ON BOARD THE SINKING TITANIC LEONARDO DE CAPRIO MEETS CAPTAIN KIDNEY ON THE FLOODING DECK. ALARMS, SCREAMS AND SIRENS FILL THE AIR.
LEO: Oh my God what’s happening?
DK: Well, it depends on what way you look at it really, I suppose, Leo.
LEO: What? Look at me Captain. We’re sinking aren’t we?
DK: Well, I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion just yet, there’s no point getting involved in speculation, we’ll just wait and see what the situation is and then take it from there.
LEO: Are you kidding? Can’t you hear the the sirens? The people yelling? This is an emergency.
DK: I suppose in some ways it is, but sometimes things sound a particular way and other times you might just be hearing things. It’s probably no more of an emergency than you might find yourself in on any ship at half four in the morning.
LEO: Jeez, Captain we’re going down fast. Do something!
DK: Well, I suppose it could be a sink or swim scenario all right, but if that’s the case I’ll take Kate Winslet with me in the life boat and you can feck off on a plank.
I’m not certain how Marc Lievremont would react in similar circumstances, but you’d imagine he wouldn’t have kept the same crew on board for very long.
There’s been plenty said in relation to both teams not declaring their full hand in the opening weekend’s fixtures and there’s sure to have been a huge amount of “video analysis” of their respective strengths and weaknesses. In other words hours of looking at the telly and not being allowed to fall asleep. Not easy on the French, then.
Another way Ireland could get familiar with French tactics would be for Trevor Brennan to arrange a little detour for Lievremont’s journey to training one day and for Rob Kearney to take a few French lessons (not from Trevor), slip on a black polo neck and grey Crombie, then swagger into Les Bleus’ changing-room. All he’d have to do is act a bit mad, tell the half-backs they’re dropped and no one would bat an eye-lid.
Both sides are doing everything they can to gain some advantage this week and it is understandably being billed as potentially the game of the championship. Except on BBC where John Inverdale is already talking up the Grand Slam decider between France and England. Will they ever learn? Rumour has it up in RTÉ that, fresh from their high-profile exits from low-profile positions, George Lee and Charlie Bird have been asked by the “brains” in Montrose to do the TV commentary in Paris.
Charlie said, “This certainly is a challenge. I don’t know anything about rugby, but I feel the viewers will find me fascinating anyway.” George disagreed with everything everyone said, did his wide-eyed stare thing and huffed, “Why am I only the commentator? I want to be the host. I didn’t leave Fine Gael for this.”
He promptly left and has joined Duffy’s Circus. Not the one on the radio, the one with monkeys and elephants. Similar enough, really.
For Kidney and his staff this is the biggest challenge so far. For several of the players it represents possibly the last tilt at victory over the French in Paris. Of course it’s not the end of the world if they lose, but try telling that to Hayes, O’Gara, Wallace and O’Driscoll.
Of all the venues in all the world this is the place for demons to be exorcised and revenge to be exacted. As David Beckham famously put it, “Knowing you can win isn’t enough. You gotta go out and do it.”
However, that was before England got knocked out of the World Cup by Argentina. It would be an added bonus if Wayne Barnes refrained from refereeing like a deranged old Eton headmaster with a ferret down his pants. It’s time to put us out of our misery boys. Take us home Captain Kidney!
