ALL IN THE GAME: A soccer miscellany

SUCKER FOR A SOLUTION

AFTER YEARS of struggles with injuries it was hard to blame Louis Saha for trying an alternative approach to getting himself fit, although you’d wonder quite what Everton’s top-of-the-range medical team made of it all.

"How did I treat my swollen knees? You're never going to believe it," he told the Sunlast week. "I went to visit my grandparents, who live in Guadeloupe, and I put leeches on my knees."

Lovely. Apparently, the grotesque little bloodsuckers take a bite out of you and then secrete an anticoagulant to ensure the flow of blood, a treatment that dates back to ancient Egypt, by all accounts.

Say what you will about the approach, but Saha came on for France on Friday night in what was his first appearance for his country since injuring himself in a friendly against Greece nearly four years ago.

“My luck has been terrible in the past,” he said. “I would be fine for six months, then the day the France squad would be announced I’d get injured. It has been hard to take. But I feel fine now. I’m well prepared both mentally and physically. I have the legs and hunger of a 20-year-old.”

How’d he do? He came on in the 69th minute against Belarus . . . and limped off 11 minutes later. Poor lad. He will, you’d imagine, be out for those leeches’ blood.

KENNY UNWISE

IF JOHN O'Shea was browsing through the Sunday newspapers he'd have been forgiven for doing a bit of head-scratching.

"I often wonder why there isn't the same fuss over the salaries paid to footballers like John O'Shea, earning more in three weeks than Marian Finucane earns in a year," said Pat Kenny. "There is a double standard there. These people put themselves on the line, they entertain the nation week in, week out, and yet they are paid a trivial amount compared to footballers."

"Eh," O'Shea might have asked, "since when did the Irish tax-payer fund my salary?"

Word of mouth: Trapattoni has to split up his very own Romeo and Juliet in Yerevan

"Yes, it is difficult to break them up because they were a beautiful couple."

– Giovanni Trapattoni on his very own Romeo and Juliet, Glenn Whelan and Keith Andrews.

"If I was in Alex Ferguson's company I would tell him first off that Manchester United never knocked Liverpool off their ****ing perch, as he put it. Thats nonsense. Graeme Souness did that."

– Jamie Carragher pinpoints the author of Liverpool's downfall.

We cannot say we have players who know how to score goals.

– Laurent Blanc pays tribute to his strikeforce after Friday's 1-0 defeat to Belarus.

"I understand the fans' feelings, but posting my obituary on the internet is too much."

– Former Red Star Belgrade goalkeeper Vladimir Stojkovic on the reaction of one peeved Red Star fan after he joined rivals Partizan Belgrade on loan from Sporting Lisbon.

Rob Palmer (Sky Sports): "You've made your name as a wheeler and dealer ...".

Harry Redknapp:" I'm not a wheeler and dealer. F**k off! I didnt make my name as a wheeler and f***ing dealer. Don't say that - I'm a f***ing football manager."

"When I walked into a room, Guardiola would walk out."

– Zlatan Ibrahimovic giving a fair enough reason for leaving Barcelona.

May be a load of Red Bulls: But could get crowds in

KISS AND MAKE UPTHIERRY HENRY, you'd imagine, fully anticipated his footballing life being a touch different when he moved to the New York Red Bulls, but maybe not this different. As part of the promotional push to get a decent crowd at next month's game between FC Dallas and New York at Pizza Hut Park (no kidding), supporters are being offered a $40 (€31) deal that would get them in to the match and a KISS concert two nights later. So, they asked Henry to agree to be painted so he'd look like a member of the US rawk 'n roll band. Like you do.

Duffer's dreamy days: Sleep the ideal solution

IN ANOTHER LIFEREADING THROUGH the Questions and Answers section on the FAI's website you'd be reminded of Brian Kerr's observation a few years back that Damien Duff suffered from "Adhesive Mattress Syndrome", something the player confirmed when asked how he spent his free time: "Mostly I just sleep."

"If I was an animal in another life, I'd be . . ."

Stephen Kelly, Aiden McGeady, Shane Long and Keith Andrews all opted for an eagle, with Glenn Whelan being a bit less specific, just choosing "a bird". Kevin Foley went for a monkey, Paul McShane picked a Tyrannosaurus Rex, Darron Gibson a lion, Robbie Keane a leopard, Kevin Doyle a horse (presumably one trained by Aidan O'Brien) while Stephen Hunt hankers after a dog's life.

Damien Duff? "A tortoise."

Considering they suffer from a bit of Adhesive Mattress Syndrome themselves, hibernating for up to seven months, it was an obvious enough choice.

PS. No flies on Doyle. Four of the best players of all time? Giovanni Trapattoni, Marco Tardelli, Liam Brady and Ireland's goalkeeping coach Alan Kelly.

Shrek: Close encounter

IT WAS, alas, a trying weekend for Wayne Rooney after unfortunate revelations about his private life. The only consolation, really, was the generous tribute paid to him by the woman at the centre of the News of the WorldStory. "I never imagined he would ever be one of my clients," she said, "I know a lot of people call him Shrek, but hes actually not that ugly when you're sat in front of him." Ah, how sweet is that?

Friday: "There's a possibility of a problem with the cheekbone or even his eye, he's got problems inside the eye there – the retina or the cheekbone – he's not in too healthy a condition." Wales manager John Toshack after James Collins was elbowed in the face playing against Montenegro.

Saturday: Collins released from hospital with a black eye.

French fury: Blanc sort of understates latest setback

SUMS IT UP ONE OF the more entertaining aspects of the World Cup this summer was the French media's response to its team's, well, unsuccessful campaign, the headline writers and reporters nigh on running out of words to describe their fury. Well, after Friday's defeat in Paris to Belarus, they had to dust down the thesaurus again.

"Catastrophique" read the headline in L'Equipe, with Le Parisienopting for "The nightmare continues!" – in French obviously.

"What a slap in the face!" said France Soir, while Le Figaronoted that being present at the Stade de France for the game was as pleasant as "having a cold shower". "France have been relegated into world football's second division," concluded Le Monde. "We imagined the worst and the worst duly arrived," said L'Equipe. "It is terrible, really terrible, but one shouldn't be really astonished. At the end of a summer where indignity and shame was mixed with defeat, the French team lost to a side ranked 78th in the world. French football is in agony."

As new manager Laurent Blanc conceded, "not the best of starts to our qualifying campaign".

Reverse flip: Mourinho changes tack on Ronaldo

DIVE TALKING October 2008: "There is a diving culture in England. Drogba, Ronaldo, Torres and van Persie are the divers. Who dives more? English football criticises divers but it's the coaches who teach the players to play this way . . . therefore, when a player moves to the Premier League, he has to adapt and learn how to dive."

– Inter Milan coach Jose Mourinho.

September 2010: "Cristiano is a player who does not have the culture of the swimming pool, he has no culture of simulation, he is a British-trained player, Ferguson-trained."

– Real Madrid coach Jose Mourinho.