January
Ulster beat Stade Francais in European Cup semi-final to earn decider against Perpignan in Lansdowne Road. The Stade benefactor, Max Guazzini, and French television station and main Euro Cup sponsors FR2, lodge objection to ERC on grounds that Ravenhill capacity was 19,995 - five short of stipulated minimum. ERC uphold objection, disqualify Ulster and final between Stade Francais and Perpignan is moved to Stade de France and renamed Stade Francais Cup.
The ubiquitous Jim McDaid promises investment for 50-metre swimming pool in conjunction with IRFU to be situated in Limerick. No prizes for guessing its whereabouts.
Ballymena maintain unbeaten start with team of 15 forwards. Eaton Park regulars are invited to play "Spot the Ball".
February
Ireland beat France in shock opener to Five Nations. The omnipresent Jim McDaid embraces Donal Lenihan in VIP Box, attends post-match press conference, promises grant for something but he can't quite remember what.
Ireland lose to rejuvenated Wales. Tony O'Reilly's organs demand "Gatland Must Go" and O'Reilly be inserted as IRFU president, international team manager and coach.
IRFU employ deep sea divers to help with Thomond Park waterlog.
March
Ireland shock England at Lansdowne Road. RFU, Clive Woodward, Lawrence Dallaglio and Sky Sports cry foul and produce a dead turkey at the post-match press conference. They lodge objection to Five Nations Committee on the grounds that Paul Wallace's scrummaging technique was illegal/David Corkery was in the ground/English viewing figures will plummet. Scotland (with 15 tailor's dummies dressed in blue) beat Ireland at Murrayfield.
A splendid Leinster Schools' Senior Cup final on St Patrick's Day in Lansdowne Road is attended by a record 30,000. The losing out-half misses late match-winning penalty, retires (along with the other 29 jaded finalists), and fails his Leaving Cert.
Merrion Road is renamed Reservoir Road.
Thomond Park is renamed Lakelands Park.
April
Met Office confirms that Limerick suffered from record levels of rainfall in March. IRFU committee and the ever-present Jim McDaid unveil novel plan for Thomond Park re-opening. It will host the Ireland-Italy Test to make Italians feel welcome. All access is by gondola. Ireland lose. France beat Scotland and share championship with Wales, who complete Triple Crown with victory over England at Wembley.
Shannon, despite playing no home games, reach semi-finals of AIL where they concede home advantage in semi-final with Garryowen, whom they still beat. Lansdowne overcome Buccaneers in other semi-final but are beaten by Shannon in decider. Shannon are declared team of the millennium and plan for sixth title.
May
London Irish beat Saracens in Tetley's Bitter Cup final (though Sarries have more Irish players in their team). They confirm plans to move away from Sunbury, because there is no planning permission for development of ground into 20,000 all-seater stadium as stipulated by some report from PWF (Pigs Will Fly) Inc. They move to the Dell in Southampton where attendances will drop from an average of 2,500 to 1,500.
June
IRFU a.g.m. confirms the all-powerful Executive is renamed the Politburo. All members are paid members for life, and in some cases beyond. They set up investigative working party to explain why one of the Irish Youths' teams is not managed or coached by a Cork Con man.
July
IN advance of Tri-Nations, IB outlaw creatine. Percy Montgomery becomes the shrinking man. All Blacks complete backlash blackwash.
August
A new British League is launched amid much hullabaloo. The First Division comprises Cardiff, Swansea and 12 English First Division clubs. Miffed Welsh and Scottish Unions point out that "you are AWFUL by another name". They are consigned to the second division along with English second division clubs. League is sanctioned by RFU.
RFU are fined £1 million by International Board. They drop the `R' from their headed paper and send blank note to IB offices.
September
Irish players are prevented from playing in interprovincials, with the exception of Conor McGuinness and Eric Elwood "who need games". Connacht win Interprovincial Championship. Other provinces cry foul, and say it was a Gatland plot.
October
Ireland beat USA, field 15 reserves against Oz and lose by 50, beat Romania to qualify for playoffs. English clubs refuse to release players for the Cup. England lose to New Zealand and Italy, and are then beaten in Lens play-off by Ireland, who overcome France in quarter-finals to join the All Blacks, Springboks and Wallabies in last four. Ireland beat All Blacks 48-47 in exhibition of Super 12 style rugby in the semi-final.
November
Ireland are given walkover in final after Springboks are late taking the field on account of Nick Mallett's team talk. In last-minute act of brinkmanship, English clubs outline new demands for their participation in European Cup - £1 million each appearance fees, 95 per cent of TV revenue and refusal to incur unnecessary travel expenditure with trips to Ireland, whose provinces must concede home advantage, cannot contest line-outs or scrums, and all games must be refereed by Englishmen as only they know the rules properly. ERC relent.
December
Munster and Ulster both progress to European Cup quarter-finals, along with two Scottish districts and four French sides. English club owners lodge objection on grounds that Munster and Ulster both played with 15 men in beating London Irish and Northampton. Their appeal is rejected. English club owners withdraw from the European Cup and then announce they're pulling out of English clubs, who are left with no grounds to call their own and cumulative debts of £100 million. Cork Con, with 25 full-time contracted internationals, go top of an embryonic AIL table. Gatland migrates to New Zealand for Christmas holidays. He is slammed for coaching in absentia. Gatland agrees it is not ideal, so Irish team relocates to New Zealand for mid-winter training by the beach. Millennium meltdown. Irish squad stuck in New Zealand. Beam me up Scottie.
