TV VIEW:'Boomf," was the gist of the sound from the telly when the electricity failed us out our way on Saturday, ending our enjoyment of Manchester United v Bolton on Setanta. Actually, "enjoyment" wouldn't be entirely the right word; we'll just leave it at "viewing". It was 0-0 at the time, and 0-0 we were quite certain it would remain, writes Mary Hannigan.
Anyway, you know yourself, the monitored house alarm goes a bit ballistic at times like this and in your panic to switch it off you keep hammering the "Emergency!" button instead of the "Disable" one and the American voice tells you to stay calm and you tell him to "shut UP!" and you accidentally end up summoning 17 squad cars, 12 ambulances, seven fire brigades, the SAS and the Foreign Legion. And they get all cranky with you so you cut the alarm's wires and then you're broken into and your telly, Belleek squirrel and Kajagoogoo CDs are taken.
That didn't happen, but it could have. The electricity did, though, fail us. So we turned on the radio to hear an angry man gasping with revulsion about Cristiano Ronaldo diving and winning a penalty.
"Boomf," said the electricity when it deigned to rejoin us a couple of hours later, so we settled down to watch Premier Soccer Saturdayon RTÉ2 to see if this revulsion was warranted.
Oh Lordy, it was. True, the lad's a bit special, but he's also an execrable cheat. Come on, Graeme Souness and Ray Houghton, say it's so.
"How about a sorry," asked Graeme. Too right! "And he should come out and say sorry." Yes! "Everyone else is held accountable." Absolutely!
Ray, bless him, agreed with Graeme and ourselves. "Both managers came out and gave their view on it. What's he got to say about it? Let's hear from him."
Hallelujah! But wait. There was a problem here - Graeme and Ray were talking about the referee. Seriously! Now, ever since we had an unpleasant run-in with a basketball official in our youth (who didn't take kindly to "I don't know what makes you tick, but I hope it's a time bomb, Buster"), we're not ones to defend these people, but while Rob Styles has, indeed, made a bit of a habit of giving penalties for non-existent fouls, even when he's but a couple of feet away from the incident in question, he still has our sympathy.
Which, we oft ask ourselves, is the worse offender: the referee who can't tell a cheat from a fella who has a rough idea of the difference between right and wrong, or being an execrable cheat who sets out to con referees?
"If he can get that wrong he should not be officiating in the Premier League," said Graeme, "he's made a howler!"
"There's no accountability from the referee," Ray agreed, while Graeme dismissed Darragh Maloney's wacky suggestion that Ronaldo should have been booked for diving.
Meanwhile Alex Ferguson had a post-match giggle about it all.
"When I think of last season Rob Styles turned down four or five penalties for us, he still owes us four," he chuckled. "But yeah, it was a break for us."
"Boomf," said our weary old heart, while our Belleek squirrel almost smithereened in disgust. "Too shy shy, hush hush, eye to eye," said Kajagoogoo, which we think was their indictment of ex-footballers who move into punditry and haven't the guts to condemn execrable cheats, instead pinning the blame on officials for being deceived by, well, execrable cheating.
The Two Alans, Hansen and Shearer, we hoped, would christen a spade a spade on Match of the Daylater that night. "So it's 'Goodnight' from me," Hansen might have said. "And it's 'Goodnight' from him," Shearer might as well have replied. Yep, another comedy show.
"An horrific decision," said Hansen. Shearer nodded, as Shearer tends to do. "The referee should have come out and held his hands up," he said, and with that MOTDshowed us a collection of previous Rob Styles "horrific decisions", the two Alans sighing at his ineptitude.
We waited for the montage of previous Ronaldo cheating moments, but it never came. In fairness to MOTD, it only lasts 90 minutes so they wouldn't have had the time to show the half of them.
Hansen, Shearer and Gary Lineker agreed that Styles would probably be punished for his error in failing to spot a grown man widely hailed as the world's greatest footballer - up there with Pele and Maradona! - cheating, and might end up officiating at a lower-division game next weekend. Ronaldo? Not a bother.
"Boomf," he'll probably say to himself, "got away with it." Again.
