PLANET SOCCER:POOR Martin Demichelis, the Argentine who plays for Bayern Munich, last week denied "evil allegations", as German paper Bilddescribed them, that he injects Botox into his lips before games because "he wants to look good".

The claim was made back in Argentina by Cristian Perez Latorre, the surgeon insisting he himself had worked on Demichelis to give his lips that fuller look.

"It's laughable," said the player. "I don't have an earring, any piercings or tattoos. And yet I am supposed to be using Botox?"

Bildclaim Latorre is peeved the player's girlfriend, television presenter and model Evangelina Anderson, paid for a transvestite friend to have a sex change operation with a rival of Latorre's. Seriously. Hell hath no fury like a plastic surgeon scorned, it seems.

Patient Papac reaches his goal

TAM Cowan of the Scottish Daily Recordwas a bit bleary-eyed on Wednesday morning after watching the historic election of Barack Obama, but he could just about make out this text he received from a pal: "Last night, history was made. The face of the world has changed forever.

"Many thought it would never happen, but it did. It marks the dawn of a new era and of a better world. From this moment on, people will ask each other: 'Where were you when Sasa Papac scored for Rangers?'"

True enough, the Bosnian scored his first goal for the club, since joining Rangers in August 2006, in the 3-3 draw with Dundee United. So, after all, when it comes to goalscoring: Yes He Can.

Quotes of the week 

"The atmosphere in the dressingroom has changed completely . . . we feel more at ease. It is because Redknapp is a very colourful person - to be honest, we joke that he looks as if he comes to the stadium straight from the pub."

- Roman Pavlyuchenko was doing just fine until the pub bit. Just two months to the transfer window.

"I said to the Russian interpreter, 'Tell him to just ****ing run about'."

 - Harry, meanwhile, on his attempts to pass a message to Pavlyuchenko from the dug-out. Wonder if it was translated word for word.

"I would like to play with Didier Drogba but the coach prefers one player up front. I would prefer to play as a number nine and a half."

- Sometimes Nicolas Anelka's demands are a touch on the impossible side.

"I would give Gerrard a contract to shoot a film because he's a very good actor."

- Atletico Madrid president Enrique Cerezo after the Liverpool captain, well, "won" that penalty at Anfield.

Walcott shows his nurturing side

IT IS, of course, great to see professional footballers involving themselves in worthy campaigns, but we hope Arsenal's Theo Walcott isn't going to get a hard time from his team-mates for his work in promoting the DVD "From Bump to Breastfeeding".

"I have always been healthy and my mum says it is down to the breastfeeding," he explained. "And she is always telling me that one of the reasons I'm such a good footballer is because I was breastfed."

"I always like to claim that Theo's speed, coordination and eyesight and all those things are down to being breastfed," said his mother Lynn, "I like to think it set him up for life."

Fair play to young Theo - you just can't imagine, say, Chopper Harris or Norman Hunter doing this kind of thing a few years back.

Diego at home

DIEGO Maradona begins his reign as manager of Argentina against Scotland in Glasgow next month. "I'm going to a country where they adore me because of the goal against the English, he said." It's 22 years since the 'Hand of God' goal yet the Tartan Armay still sing: 'You put your left hand in, You put your left hand out, In out, in out and shake it all about, You do the Maradona and you turn around, That's what its all about. Ooooh Maradona Ooooh Maradona He put the English out, out, out.'

More quotes of the week

"I can remember the second year at Arsenal, I was in the car with my dad and brother. A kid was walking down the road with a 'Walcott 32' shirt on. I put the window down and I said, 'I've got a shirt like that too'."

- Theo Walcott. Ah, bless his little socks.

"I wouldn't listen to these people in the pub, and yet they're on television constantly . . .I wouldn't trust them to walk my dog."

- Roy Keane rules out the possibility of Richard Keyes, Jamie Redknapp or any of the Sky Sports crew taking Triggs for a wander.

"Will Arsène Wenger be remembered in 100 years' time for what he has done for football? Bet your life he will. Will these people on the television be remembered for what they've achieved? Not whatsoever."

- Sky Sports take shelter as Keane warms to his theme.

"I was asked by ITV to do the Celtic-Man U game, but never again, unless I fall on hard times. I think I've done it once for Sky but I'd rather go to the dentist."

- Keane's take on the punditry world.