"He should sign a new, long contract with United, persuade his missus to have a few more bairns and get as much rest as he can. And while he's at it, he should guide Posh in the direction of a singing coach, because she's nowhere near as good at her job as her husband."

- Brian Clough tells David Beckham what he should want, what he should really, really want.

"Paolo had a cold, he's not going anywhere, he's just not well sometimes."

- Harry Redknapp tells us something we already knew about that Di Canio lad.

"Don't know about you, but I couldn't believe my eyes when I picked up the paper on Friday morning and read that two St Johnstone players had been accused of taking cocaine in a trendy Perth bar. When exactly did they start having trendy bars in Perth?"

- Scottish Daily Record columnist Tam Cowan.

"It might as well be Dublin."

- The response of the chairman of the Wimbledon Independent Supporters Association on hearing news of the club's possible relocation to Milton Keynes. We'd like to say more, but we assume the Lord Mayor of Dublin is suing the foul-mouthed tosser, so it's subjudice.