Away from home

"A smidgeon unlikely," would be the gist of the response of Steve Finnan and Mohamed Al Fayed if we told them a Republic of Ireland and Fulham full back would finish the season with an English Premiership winner's medal, unless we turned the table upside down. But they were, we're sure, dancing in the streets of Moycullen, Co Galway, last Thursday when one of their own, Ronnie Gibbons, helped Fulham Ladies to the title in their first season in the Premiership.

Hats off to Ronnie, then, and to Paul McShane who was a member of the Manchester United team that won the FA Youth Cup last week.

McShane, a native of Kilpedder, Co Wicklow, was United's first Irish signing in three years when he joined from St Joseph's last summer.

A good week, too, for Republic of Ireland under-18 international Richie Ryan (ex-Belvedere) who made his debut for Sunderland against Newcastle.

Lower down the league there was another Irish debut with Cabra's very own Ian Simpemba, one of Brian Kerr's fledglings at youth level, appearing for Wycombe in their 0-0 draw with Colchester.

His first team breakthrough might be some consolation to the 20-year-old who was distraught when the World Youth Cup, due to be played in Dubai in March, was cancelled due to the Iraq crisis. We loved his response at the time: "I just wish the politicians would take it easy."

Star of the week? We're tempted to plump for Ben Burgess who, in two and a half years, has gone from Blackburn to Northern Spirit (in Australia), to Brentford, to Stockport, to Oldham and, finally, to Hull. Before Saturday he'd managed just six goals in 38 appearances this season, so we reckon he'll have enjoyed his hat-trick against Kidderminster.

Burgess, though, is pipped by John O'Shea - or "S'Hea", as the back of his shirt read on Wednesday night. Why? For that nutmeg on Figo. Purr.

Treasured chest

Despite the dubious methods employed by a Wookey FC supporter last week to help her team beat Norton Hill Rangers in the Morland Challenge Cup Final, the Somerset F A has announced that no action will be taken against the club. After a 0-0 draw, the game went to penalties but every time a Norton player stepped up to shoot Cheryl Laws, stationed behind the goal, lifted her top and flashed her wotsits. Norton, it seems, took their eye off the ball and missed three penalties, losing the shoot-out 3-2.

"It definitely got to the lads - with all that flesh on show they couldn't concentrate, we feel cheated," said losing captain Lee Baverstock.

Norton club secretary Rob Beale, though, was more relaxed. "We have nipped any talk of Wookey cheating in the bud and simply stuck our chests out and got on with our season," he chuckled.

The Taunton Times, meanwhile, noted that the SFA announcement had prompted the start of boozy celebrations: "Wookey Boys Get The Jugs In" read their headline. Boys? Enough.

Tribute of the week

"Like a woman on her wedding day - nervous, out of position and hoping everything would soon be over so she could go up to the bedroom."

- Spanish newspaper Marca's unique take on Fabien Barthez's performance against Real Madrid, as translated by The Guardian.

Quotes of the week

"If all sides played like them, then football could disappear. The stadia would be empty because nobody would come and pay to watch that kind of display. They are the death of football."

- Valencia coach Rafael Benitez, wishing Inter Milan well in the Champions League semi-finals.

"Wayne Rooney really has a man's body on a teenager's head."

- According to George Graham young Rooney could do with some corrective surgery.

"When I was playing for the club the only threat to our health was alcoholic poisoning."

- Jimmy Greaves reminisces about the good old days at West Ham.

Stretcher case

After reading Steve Finnan's questions and answers session on icons.com we will never again look at Kenny Cunningham in quite the same light - Question: "Did Kenny Cunningham's au naturel stretching during the World Cup turn you off rooming with him?"

Finnan: "I couldn't believe it when I first saw him doing his stretching without any clothes on - it was just really, really funny. First thing in the morning and last thing at night he'd get down to his yoga routine without fail and he'd do it for hours on end. I suppose he just feels more comfortable doing it naked. It's just his way and I soon learned to ignore it."

Altercation of the week

"I was very surprised Steve McManaman played. I'd worked out lots of different formations they could play - but he wasn't in any of them. Maybe it was because he's got experience of Old Trafford, because I can't think of any reason otherwise."  - Alex Ferguson.

"I don't want to dignify his jibe with a response. It was, after all, a comment from someone whose team had just been knocked out of the Champions League." -  Steve McManaman. 1-0 to McManaman? We think so.

More quotes of the week

"Mr Warnock is a talented manager but has never scaled any great heights for reasons he might wish to consider in a less self-confident and brash frame of mind."

- If Leicester chairman Jon Holmes had stopped before the "but" this would have been a nice tribute to the Sheffield United manager.

"So, United then, all in red, with their white shorts and black socks."

- English Century FM reporter, Fraser Deignton.

"The massive step up to Premiership class is also a step down in class the other way."

West Brom manager Gary Megson. What?

"Those journalists who've written such disgraceful things should take a good look in the mirror and spit at their own faces."

- Paolo Di Canio, reluctant to take part blame for Glenn Roeder's ill-health

Short shrift

As long ago as December 2000, we informed you of French striker Pascal Nouma's preoccupation with below-the-belt matters, a fixation that, alas, finally cost him his job last week.

Back then he complained about the split in the Besiktas camp between the Turkish and foreign players, explaining that the divisions were at their most evident in the showers after games.

"If you're Turkish, you mustn't show your willy," he said. "I think it's against their religion, so all the Muslims have got their shorts on in the showers."

Last week? After scoring for Besiktas against Fenerbahce, Nouma put his hand down the front of his shorts to celebrate, like you do, a gesture that prompted outrage -- even from the Turkish Prime Minister.

Nouma apologised, but it was too little (the apology, that is), too late.

"His actions during the Fenerbahce match are definitely against Turkish moral values and traditions, we've decided to send him back to his country," announced Besiktas president Serdar Bilgili, who cancelled the player's contract with immediate effect.

Beck and Call

Last week we read, in sundry places, that Manchester United will use the fee they "will" receive from Real Madrid for David Beckham to buy: Ricardo Quaresma, Ronaldo, Patrick Vieira, Philippe Mexes, David Bellion, Damien Duff, Harry Kewell, Paul Robinson, Pavel Nedved, Rustu Recber, Ronaldinho, Michael Dawson, Dennis Rommedahl, Jermain Defoe, Geremi, Claude Makelele, Javier Garcia Portillo, Athirson, Simon Davies, Stephen Carr and Craig Bellamy.

Who said young Beckham was irreplaceable, eh?