MARY HANNIGAN's sideways look at the world of soccer

Arshavin short, sharp and to the point

ANDREY ARSHAVIN doesn’t quite seem exhilarated when he’s answering questions from his fans on his arshavin.eu website, more often than not responding to lengthy queries with a brief enough “no”. In fairness, though, some of his fans are, well, a bit funny peculiar.

“Hi Andrey, I love Arsenal and helicopters. My friend, Steve, said that he met you once and he said you were very nice but you smelt of coffee. Do you like coffee? He also said that he held your hand. If I met you please could I hold your hand, I promise it will be no longer than for 3 minutes. Love from Anthony, 28 England.” Arshavin: “I don’t drink coffee at all.”

Galinanaz, meanwhile, was “wondering whether these moving and changing advertising billboards on the pitch can distract from the game?” Arshavin: “No.” Kostea had no less an important question. “Andrey, how often do you eat onions or garlic?” Arshavin: “It happens sometimes.” Then there was “Lucky”. “Hi Andrey! You know I love football! And mostly because of you, I want to really thank you for that. What do you think about girls playing football?” Arshavin: “When girls like football, I think it’s ok. But I think that the level of women’s football is too low to take it seriously.” (That should go down well with the Arsenal women’s team, the most successful in England). McRussian piped in to ask if Andrey got to travel around Britain much, recommending that he visit Scotland. Arshavin: “Somehow I feel that we won’t go to Scotland even after my career is over.” Veizel, in the meantime, had a dietary query. “Hi! I’m overweight.What shall I do?” Arshavin: “Lose weight.”

NUMBER OF THE WEEK€ 4m

THAT’S THE improved salary Manchester City have offered Shaun Wright-Phillips, upping his weekly pay from €67,000 to €77,000 – and that’s not including bonuses. Considering he’s no longer a first-team regular (he’s started just two of 16 games under Roberto Mancini), you’d imagine he’d snap up the deal. But he hasn’t. He’s feeling a bit aggrieved because other players at the club are earning €110,000 or more a week. His step-father, Ian Wright, is no less incensed. City are “mugging him off” and “treating him like a youth team player”, he said. In fairness, in these straitened times, how could anyone get by on €4m-plus-bonuses a year?

Portsmouth financial advice

The Daily Mirrorhad a good chuckle last week at a section of Portsmouth's official website where they were advertising "PFC Financial Services", bringing "everyday financial solutions to supporters' families". A bit of a hoot from a club that had just gone in to administration, with debts in or around the €78 million mark.

“It’s got to be a sick joke,” a very angry fan told the Mirror. “How can they offer us advice on managing our finances after everything that’s happened? It should be the other way round.” A fair point, even the club seemed to concede – when you clicked the link on the site next day for PFC Financial Services the message read: “Oops, looks like this page has been moved or deleted.” Hopefully the club won’t suffer the same fate.

Officials warned red card for blasphemy or God help them

THE BURNING topic of conversation in Italian football last week wasn’t, for once, Jose Mourinho’s feud with *insert any name you like*, it was the suspension of Chievo coach Domenico Di Carlo and Parma forward Davide Lanzafame for blasphemy offences.

The pair became the first professionals to be punished under the new blasphemy crackdown in the Italian game, Di Carlo receiving his one-match ban for muttering “porco dio” (eh, “pig God”, literally) on the touchline.

Goal.com noted with some bemusement, tough, that Chievo player Michele Marcolini was cleared by the people entrusted with the task of studying video evidence for blasphemous utterances missed by the officials.

After picking up his second yellow card in the game against Cagliari, Marcolini appeared to use the “Dio” word, but the judge concluded that he had, in fact, “cursed someone named “Diaz” – despite no one on the pitch bearing that moniker.

There could, then, be endless fun with this crackdown, but Giancarlo Abete, president of the Italian federation, is unrepentant, so to speak – officials, he said, have been warned that all blasphemy offences should result in a red card. Otherwise? God help them.

Defending Avram

NO MORE than the Irish Government, the Australians have been busy asking questions of late about the fake passports used by the suspects in the murder of a Hamas leader in Dubai in January, with a finger of suspicion being pointed in the direction of Israel’s secret service, Mossad.

“Why should the Australians criticise,” asked the one and very only Tzofit Grant, wife of Portsmouth manager Avram, in an interview with the Telegraph. “They sit on a beach, taking drugs, living like hippies, doing nothing . . . they don’t have any problems, except with kangaroos.” It’s not an aspect of the story we’d considered before, to be honest, but Tzofit has a habit of finding unique ways of looking at things.

“It’s so sexy to be Mossad, isn’t it? I’m so proud of them,” she said.

“I feel more safe now I know they can kill bad people.” She also defended Avram’s habit of visiting Portsmouth massage parlours. “When you sit on your sofa, fat, lazy and stupid and eating crisps, then you . . . see what’s happened with Avram Grant and his stupid wife who says he can have two massages, you say, ‘Oh my God that’s an amazing story, now I feel that I can continue to live, now I am not just a fat stupid cow on the sofa, because she is having a very bad time and my husband would never do that’, and you can say to yourself: ‘Thank God I am me’.” Tzofit Grant, legend.

Not quite quote of the week but still quite good . . .

“In my opinion, Terry has no moral code for what he did to Bridge. In my neighbourhood if you do that, you lose your legs, or more — you don’t survive.” Carlos Tevez on why Terry’s better off in London

"He told me that goals are like ketchup. Sometimes as much as you try, they don't come out, and then they come all of a sudden."
Gonzalo Higuain recalls advice from Ruud van Nistleroy

"Nah, he was just telling me about his good mate, Jesus."
Paul McShane denying he and Kaka exchanged harsh words — instead it was like a Biblical Studies'
class.

"They keep coming up with these people. Someone sitting there eating a big hamburger with holes
in his jeans. " Harry Redknapp on the conveyor belt of colourful owners at Portsmouth.

Tittle tattle

After picking up his second yellow card in the game against Cagliari, Marcolini appeared to use the “Dio” word, but the judge concluded that he had, in fact, “cursed someone named “Diaz” – despite no one on the pitch bearing that moniker. There could, then, be endless fun with this crackdown, but Giancarlo Abete, president of the Italian federation, is unrepentant, so to speak – officials, he said, have been warned that all blasphemy offences should result in a red card. Otherwise? God help them.