Planet Soccer

Other soccer news in brief

Antipodean animosity for Aussies

NORTHLANDS Primary School, on the outskirts of Durban, will play host to visiting Australians during this summer’s World Cup finals, with up to 200 supporters a day expected at the budget camp site which will be set up on the school’s sports grounds.

The locals, as you can imagine, are all a-tingle at the prospect of welcoming their visitors. Councillor Dean McPherson anticipates they would be “low-income, heavy-drinking football hooligans”.

“They are booking a camping venue because they can’t afford anything else,” he said, “I don’t care if it’s one or 100 campers, it’s still unacceptable.”

Local resident Shirley Williams is no less enthused about the Aussies dropping in. “We want to stop our suburb being overrun and possibly destroyed,” she said, “I do not want to have 3,000 drunk Aussies in my face for two months.”

As warm a céad míle fáilte as we’ve heard in a while.

Not Forgotten

"Cristiano Ronaldo was sold for £80 million. God forbid he got run over by the number 36 bus in Madrid High Street – he'd be worth nothing. That's how vulnerable football is."  – Alan Sugar urging Ronaldo, for the sake of Real Madrid's coffers, to brush up on his Safe Cross Code.

"I got a text from him last week saying: 'I miss you so much'."  -  Alex Ferguson on Cristiano Ronaldo's reply after he wished him a happy birthday. You don't think . . . surely not?

Keepy-up keeps Dr Khan up

ENOUGH was enough for plastic surgeon Muhammad Khan when he decided to hand in his notice on his rented apartment, living under a Premier League footballer causing him one sleepless night too many.

Above him resides Stoke City’s Uruguayan midfielder Diego Arismendi, who has made just two first-team appearances this season, the last in October. Perhaps intent on getting in some much-needed practice, Arismendi took to having kickabouts with his pals in the apartment in the early hours of the morning.

“I can’t sleep and I can’t concentrate doing my work. I am at my wits’ end,” said Dr Khan. “My flat vibrates from the volume of the music and it is like elephants stomping across the floor. It makes my lights flicker. It is every single night, and then gets worse at weekends. The noise is unbearable.”

Mind you, we wouldn’t complain if we were Dr Khan. In Arismendi’s last appearance for the Stoke reserves, against Arsenal a fortnight ago, he was sent off for head-butting an opponent.

Party away Diego, no worries.

Quotes of the week

"You know when you've got a noisy neighbour and they keep the radio on all the time? You can complain to the council, you can bang on their wall, you can go to their door, but they still keep their music on. So what do you do? You get used to it."  – Alex Ferguson still irked by the racket coming from City.

"It's really like taking a new girlfriend out – for the first couple of times it is so fresh, but then over a period of time that fades. I'm not saying you don't still love her, but it does die down a little bit." – Stoke's Tony Pulis on the club's second top-flight season.

"I believe that Zac will do better than Ferrara – it's practically impossible to do worse."  – Toto Schillaci sort of hopeful Alberto Zaccheroni will outshine his Juve predecessor, Ciro Ferrara.

"Maybe if I was a bit bigger then it would have hurt more."  – Glenn Whelan's humble account of being kicked in the wotsits by Patrick Vieira.

Ireland dress for success

THE NEW Irish strip, unveiled last week by Umbro, seems to have received a general thumbs up, supporters no doubt looking forward to donning its “new anatomical design which brings together performance and style”, as the press release told us. The players, apparently, are excited too.

Most promising, though, is the effect the new socks might have on Ireland’s fortunes in the 2012 European Championship qualifying campaign. “It is believed that the hooped sock makes it harder for defenders to read what attackers are about to do,” claim Umbro.

Good luck, then, to Russia, Slovakia, Macedonia, Armenia and Andorra’s full backs: Damien Duff and Aiden McGeady’s stripey legs are heading your way.

Even more quotes of the week

"I was not impressed with him at all at our club. He really did not work hard and was not living for the game. On the way to training he was always eating – hamburgers and chips. I am not saying he was hitting the night life and I won't say he was a boozer. But he was a complete loose head.'' – Jacques Loncar on Didier Drogba, who he coached at Dunkerque, in the Daily Mirror .

"They should've come on to the park like gladiators. Instead, they came on like a bunch of fairies."  - Aberdeen old-boy Joe Harper on their display in the Scottish Cup defeat by Raith Rovers.

"He said that he would never take me as coach of his team, but only as an actor in one of his films? He has no hope, I have too much class for his level." – Jose Mourinho turning down an offer of an audition with film producer and Napoli chairman Aurelio De Laurentiis. Modestly.

"It was amazing to see thousands of fans outside the stadium the night (Robbie) Keane signed. I think only one guy turned up for me."  – Celtic's Glenn Loovens. Bless.