Good to see a deluge of 'Irish' goals over the weekend, but we're reluctant to mention the 'g' word in the presence of Brian Kerr's number two and three goalkeepers, Dean Kiely and Nick Colgan.
Away from home
Between them they conceded an unseemly 12 goals on Saturday, Kiely's Charlton losing 6-1 to Leeds and Colgan's Hibernian being trounced 6-2 by Kilmarnock. Scarily enough, the reports say Kiely and Colgan actually played quite well, making a few handy saves. If they'd been off form we might have had a scoreline that approached the Australian women's team's World Cup qualifier win over Samoa (19-0).
A bad weekend for one Drogheda native, then, but Colgan's fellow townsmen Ian Harte, Gary Kelly and Sean Thornton had no complaints. Harte is back in the Leeds line-up under Peter Reid, scoring his first goal of the season from a penalty against Charlton, while Kelly's renaissance continues apace, with one supporters' website even suggesting he should be voted Leeds player of the season. Mind you, the choice isn't ... stop.
Short of getting himself a transfer this summer, Thornton will be playing first division football next season with Sunderland, which is a pity considering his progress in the Premiership since breaking into the team a few weeks ago. He got his first goal for the club against Chelsea on Saturday, but it counted for nothing in a 2-1 defeat. Phil Babb, by the way, was left on the bench again by Mick McCarthy - is there a history there?
Second thoughts
Spotted in Private Eye, one of the finer 'punditry' exchanges of the season (as heard on BBC Scotland): Rob McLean: "John Hartson is playing superbly today." Sandy Clark: "Yes, Rob, there's no-one better today." McLean: "So, Sandy, who is your man of the match?" Clark: "Alan Thompson."
Fools' Yardis
Considering the motley crew of players Glasgow Rangers have signed over the years it wasn't too surprising that the BBC didn't bat an eyelid when they read on Rangers' official website that the club had signed a striker by the name of Yardis Apolfo from Galatasaray, news they then posted on their own website. But, upon being reminded of the date, they promptly rearranged the player's name to come up with April Fool's Day. Red cheeks all round.
Another report that appeared last week was one on Carlisle website www.94thminute.com, which announced that "Carlisle United are set to confirm the shock takeover of Irish side Bohemians FC this week ... it is unlikely that there will be any name or strip change for the 'Gypsies' although there may be a change in manager if United wish to appoint their own man at the helm". Thank you to Bohs loyalist Tony for sending us the report, his e-mail ending, nervously with: "This IS a joke ... isn't it?"
As we said to Tony, relax, it's Yardis Apolfo.
Quotes of the week
"You can say it's a club that's sinking but it's Leeds United - it's a liner, not a canoe."
- Peter Reid, paddling furiously at Elland Road.
"I've never had a drink, never, not once. I'm teetotal. The girlfriend does, mind, she drinks for us both."
- Leeds's Alan Smith. Charming.
"Obviously it would be tough playing up in the Premiership next season, but I wouldn't lose any sleepless nights."
- Reading manager Alan Pardew (Private Eye).
"I'm not superstitious. Fingers crossed, touch wood, we will be okay."
- Joe Royle (Ipswich).
"I'm not at all satisfied with one point. I'd have been totally satisfied with six, satisfied with four and I'd have taken three. Two I wouldn't have been happy with, so I'm not going to be happy with one."
- England under-21 boss David Platt (Football 365).
Built for the job
Sad to see Zambia 'sensation' Emmanuel Zulu being sacked by South African club SuperSport United last week for "excessive beer drinking". "I thought Emmanuel came here to play football but he came to drink beer," said United coach Pitso Mosimane.
Appropriate, then, that Yahoo should have described the lad in their report as the "pint-sized star".
Continent cut off
Andy Reid, recently described by his Nottingham Forest team-mate David Johnson as 'Forest's little Figo', had a memorable trip to Georgia last week with the Irish under-21s. After being sent off in the 1-1 draw, Reid was given permission by Don Givens to return to Nottingham, because he would miss the Albania game through suspension. He got home in one piece, but he's still looking for his luggage. He admitted, though, that this didn't come as a surprise.
"Tbilisi airport was a bit primitive, to say the least, and I started to have my doubts when, at the check-in, they couldn't find a luggage label for Birmingham airport," he said.
More quotes of the week
"Terry Venables has literally had his legs cut off from underneath him three times while he's been manager."
- Barry Venison (Private Eye).
"You look in his eyes and he's 17 - you look at him from behind and he's 32."
- David James appearing to suggest that Wayne Rooney has a big bottom.
"There was a bit of pushing and a lot of banter. 'Wait until you come to Turkey' was the shout, with fingers being passed across throats. And that was just the kit man."
- Gareth Southgate, looking forward to that trip to Turkey.
"I was hit by an apple but, apart from that, I didn't experience any problems."
- David James, who's more used to being showered by rotten tomatoes, after the Turkey game.
"It's about time bloody idiots like me stopped paying Premiership wages to First Division players with lousy attitudes."
- Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan says a big thank you to his players for their efforts this season.
Tribute of the week
"Why do people keep signing Nick Barmby?"
- Jimmy Greaves.
Following gut instincts
Does trouble follow Paul Gascoigne? Seems so. Just as he's settling down in China along comes the virus Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (Sars), which started out in the country. His agent, Wes Saunders, insists, though, that Gascoigne will remain with his club, Gansu Tianma, having received reassurance that he was quite happy to stay and wasn't concerned about the virus. And who did he receive this comforting news from? Gascoigne's pal, Jimmy Five Bellies. That's okay, then.
