Today's other stories in brief
Roy's week
"I've given them (the Sunderland board) the list of the three or four players I want. I know they can't arrive until January, but it's a bit like Christmas - I'm hoping that when I come down the stairs they'll be under the tree."
- Hoping Santa arrives before the January transfer window.
"I remember at United Schmeichel went to Barbados for two weeks in the middle of a season, even though we were going for the league title. We were training and there were pictures of him on the bloody beach."
- And you'd imagine Schmeichel didn't send him a "wish you were here" postcard.
" Craig's not going to Barbados - we've got a nice seafront down here. As long as he doesn't go out in a canoe we'll be all right."
- Ruling out a move for Craig Gordon to Panama.
"I was sitting up in bed last night reading the league table and comparing it with tables from previous seasons . . . you realise teams have stayed up after winning only eight games in a whole season."
- Revealing his bedtime reading - league tables.
"If Roy Keane thinks The Glass Spider is a distraction then we have decided to bar Anthony until the football season ends so he can concentrate on his game."
- Tony Griffiths, owner of the Sunderland nightclub. At this rate a night on the razz for Stokes will amount to a trip to the local Bingo hall.
Chips are down for Beckham
"I've never seen anything like it," said Nandos waitress Jody, "he was sitting in a booth and as soon as he left people came in and started grabbing his leftover food".
And why, Jody wondered, were these people helping themselves to David Beckham's leftovers in a Wellington restaurant? All became clear the next day when they appeared for sale on Trade Me, New Zealand's answer to eBay.
A semi-chewed corn on the cob, a near-empty Coca-Cola bottle (which should go down well with his Pepsi sponsors) and a single chip, which Beckham dropped on the floor, were among the items put up for auction.
"How much Coke is left?" asked one interested party. "There's about 2/8 left in it, mostly backwash I would imagine," the seller replied. "How do I know this is for real and that you haven't made it up," asked another. "You can get a DNA test or something," said the seller.
It's not, you'll be relieved to hear, too late to bid on the chip - the auction runs until Thursday. Just drop in to www.trademe.co.nz and off you go.
"Nice chip," said Louie6969, "but has it got a left foot"?
Quotes of the week
Caller: " First of all, can you wish me a happy 40th birthday?" Ian Wright: "And how old are you?"
- Sounds like Talksport's Ian Wright is settling in nicely as a radio host.
"Hey, Swansea . . . leave our sheep alone!"
- To the tune of Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall, this is what Swansea fans are having to endure from rival supporters these days.
Spurs fans to West Ham fans: "You are our feeder club." West Ham fans to Spurs fans: "That's why you're going down." - 1-0 to West Ham.
" This performance today shows that other teams are going to have to score more goals than us if they want to beat us."
- Darren Bent works out where Spurs have been going wrong.
"As we say in Spain 'we were dancing with the ugliest person on the dance floor'."
- Swansea manager Roberto Martinez. He was peeved that the FA Cup game against Horsham went ahead, despite a sodden pitch, but after that he lost us.
Pfaff finally goes to the dogs
If you're of a certain vintage you'll remember former Belgian and Bayern Munich goalkeeper Jean-Marie Pfaff, as much for that perm with the blonde highlights as his performances in three draws against Ireland in the 1980s, when more often than not he thwarted us.
So, where is he now? Well, bizarrely enough, Pfaff and his wife, Carmen, are Belgium's answer to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, starring with their family in a reality TV series called De Pfaffs. Uncannily enough, De Pfaffs have a daughter by the name of Kelly, but there the similarities end. Indeed, one review we read of the show said that nothing ever happens in De Pfaffs' lives, nothing at all, but it's still a hit show in Belgium.
It should liven up, though, over Christmas because, according to Uefa.com, Pfaff, now 54, has signed up for the Antwerp Winter Circus, where he will be in goal for Belgium against Holland in an exhibition match. The outfield players? Jan Ceulemans, Eric Gerets, Franky Van Der Elst, Enzo Scifo? No.
"The players will be eight boxer dogs trained by a Romanian artist to play football," we were told.
"Who knows, this could mean the start of a whole new career for me," said an excited Pfaff. The campaign starts here for a similar Irish reality show. De Bonners?
More quotes of the week
"That's what influenced me to go back into it. I thought, 'hang on, I have a better CV than him'."
- Howard Kendall explaining why he's decided to go for the Irish job - he took one look at favourite Terry Venables's track record.
"The wine gums and jelly beans after training have gone out the window."
- Jermain Defoe reveals the nature of the sweeping changes introduced at the club by new Spurs boss Juande Ramos.
"There is a no-smoking policy at Layer Road. Anyone caught smoking will be taken to a darkened room, where they will be imprisoned for 27 hours and forced to listen to Will Young records for all of that time. Thank you."
- Colchester's announcer makes ugly threats, as heard by a BBC Online reader.
"Somebody must have their ears clipped for this signing."
- Former Barcelona vice-president Sandro Rosell on the club's decision to pay €22 million for injury-prone Thierry Henry.
" I feel so passionately about the England situation. It won't hurt to write a letter or make a phone call. I would love to meet Mr Barwick and discuss my ideas with him because I believe I have something to offer."
- Who's offering to meet FA chief Brian Barwick to sort out England's difficulties? Eh, Reading's Dave Kitson.
