IF YOU ASK ME:With Ireland meeting Italy in Euro 2012, this is probably our only chance of getting one over on the Azzurri this year, writes RISTEARD COOPER
AS SIX Nations fixtures go, it’s not easy to get excited about the prospect of a visit from Italy, or as they should really be called, Argentina-light. As a punter you’re pretty sure what you’re going to get; huge hits, a fracas or five, a rake of penalties and tons of scrums.
Indeed it’s puzzling that a team that plays rugby the way it does comes from the same country which provided the world with Da Vinci, Vivaldi and Chianti. But then again, how do you explain our little land producing the contrasting phenomena that are (in no particular order) Yeats, Twink and, well, Harp lager. There is no shortage of options on that list, in fairness.
With Ireland meeting Italy in Euro 2012, this is probably our only chance of getting one over on the Azzurri this year. In fact our best chance of prevailing in the equivalent fixture in “Polkraine” is if we play their rugby team. And even then I wouldn’t put the house on it.
However, even though they’ve lost two from two, Italy come to Dublin with the usual optimism of creating an upset, especially so having put it up to England in the Rome snow-fest a couple of weeks ago, in a match which admittedly did as much to raise the pulse as a sedative.
Indeed watching England at the moment is a bit like being subjected to the omnibus edition of Fair City. You find yourself asking “when will this ever end?”
Wales, with Captain Warburton back in harness, look like they could blow England away with their super-quick ball, ultra-aggressive defence and pure pace.
But Warburton apparently represents Ireland’s problem, in that we don’t have one. According to the “experts” if we had a Warburton we’d have beaten Wales in the World Cup. Ah, get up the yard, says you, and I’d be with you.
But oodles of TV pundits, led by Professor Hook from “Newstalk one oh sex” seem convinced that Ireland’s problems stem from our “unbalanced back-row”, which is the same back-row they were telling us was the best on the planet not so long ago.
“We don’t have a number seeaaveeaan” said the sitting bull of RTÉ’s panel. Well, maybe we don’t, but we’ll just have to make do with the European player of the year Seán O’Brien in the meantime.
“You can’t drop Seán O’Brien,” said Popey.
“Why naaaaaaat?” said you know who.
“Because he’s one of the best back rows in the world.”
“Yea but he’s not a seeehhhveeehhhn, he’s a sex.”
“He’s not a sux or a sivin. He’s a sux and a ½. Although uf he was born a Kiwi he’d be a hooker.”
Confusing isn’t it? No wonder Conor O’Shea spends most of his time shrugging his shoulders, slowly nodding his head in baffled enthusiasm with a “where do I begin to respond to that?” expression on his face.
By the way, is the barking Tom McGurk contractually obliged to use O’Shea’s full name every time he addresses him?
“Conor O’Shea, you are a professional coach. Conor O’Shea, is Kidney picking the best players in the right positions? Conor O’Shea?” And before O’Shea can so much as sigh, McGurk cuts him off with a: “We’ll be back after this commercial break.”
One day he’ll complete a sentence on that panel. Of course, sport is big business now and is all about maximising your opportunities, so maybe Popey could be on to something big there.
He could suggest to O2 that they design a special 6½ jersey to celebrate the special attributes of O’Brien and at the same time immortalise that particular brand of bullshit, sorry analysis, on the international stage.
And rather than the number being made up of the names of thousands of O2 customers, it could be a picture of the large, elegant, square heads of Hook and Pope. George could be the 6 and Brent could be the half (sorry, Brent). I’m sure S O’B would be just chuffed to have them on his back.
Of course O2’s current campaign is all about involving the community, but if Paul O’Connell called to your house in his full Ireland kit, asking your kids to go for a kickabout, I don’t know about you, but I’d be a little concerned for his state of mind.
Lots has been said about the absence of Brian O’Driscoll, who has shipped many injuries over the years, but the way that child gets past him in that ad suggests he must have taken a knock even making the commercial.
No doubt it’s a point Hook will pick up on during the rest of the campaign: “The reason Ireland are not playing well is that they’re training with people half their age in O2 commercials. However, if they were doing ads for Skoy Plaaaaaaas it would be fine, “because Skoy caaaaarre!”
Of course many Irish rugby players have associated themselves with some quality brands over the years and still managed to keep their mind on the job. Denis Hickie – Wavin Pipes, Gordon D’Arcy – Magee Suits, Donnacha O’Callaghan – Underpants, Cian Healy – Berroca and Ronan O’Gara – eh, anything.
Prediction for the weekend? France to soar in Scotland, Wales to wallop England and Ireland to get back on the rails, with a man of the match display from our number 6 and ½. Forza Ireland.
