IF YOU ASK ME:Having already been annoyed by Welsh singing and Wayne Barnes, a trip to take on the French is about all we need right now

MMM, I’M getting a bit sick of this Welsh lot pouring rain on our parade and then having the audacity to go around the place doing all that incessant singing. They’re almost as bad as us!

Working in London, as yours truly currently is, meant having to endure some of last Sunday’s match from a 1990s “fat-bum” TV in the bowels of the National Theatre. Most of the time was spent shouting at Wayne Barnes while simultaneously listening on the backstage Tannoy to Seán O’Casey’s pertinent reminders that “The whole world’s in a terrible state of chassis,” while perhaps even more pertinently, listening out for my cue. Barnes may not have heard me while I was watching, but I suspect, even though I was in another country, his country in fact, he must have heard the yell when he pinged Stephen ‘Stand Up For The Ulster Man’ Ferris for what was at worst an aggressive tackle.

Allowing for the fact he’s been cleared to play against France, that he and Welsh lumpy lad Davies were cited for the same offence renders the whole business farcical. There was about as much similarity in what they did as there is between Bray and St Tropez.

One very obvious difference was that Ian Evans had the ball. In fact Evans’s reaction of getting in Ferris’s face and patting him on the head when the penalty was awarded should have warranted the decision to be reversed. Clutching at straws perhaps? Get out of that garden!

Not that I’m suggesting Barnes is a bad ref, yeah right, but good or bad, he is a very annoying one. One ventures his school days were spent dreaming of becoming a prefect, so that he could stomp and gesticulate around the playground, pointing at mischievous pupils, shouting “Stop being naughty or I’ll tell sir.”

Ireland may not have played well for 80 minutes, they may have been defensively fragile and guilty of uncharacteristic errors, but they didn’t deserve to lose that way.

Then as if to rub pepper in with the salt, a quick look at the Six Nations website revealed ‘guess who’ to be referee in Paris? It would have to be Dave ‘Yellow Card’ Pearson of course. Yes, he of the perpetual toothy grin and raised eyebrows combination, resembling a squirrel chewing a nut. Ye Gods!! Even when he’s on the touchline, he manages to be in the middle, usually of a mess.

Of course the Irish players were all sighs and “What can you say?” in their self-deprecating post-match appraisal. My personal favourite Most Banal Question of the Weekend goes to the chap who asked Jamie Heaslip, “How disappointing is it to lose your first game?” Indeed, what can you say?

The buzz phrase coming from Father Deccie was to not get too carried away and to “have a look at it”.

Deccie gets very philosophical after big ups and major downs, it’s doubtful he’ll rival Descartes any time soon, opining as he did that, “It’s like everything in life, you go through it, you come out the other side of it and then you have a good look at it.”

Ah, now there’s something we are good at in Ireland, especially in the political arena – putting things on the table and having a good look at them. Mind you it wouldn’t be wise to take any action or rush into any “knee-jerk” decision, but we’ll be damned if we don’t “put it on the table, weigh it up and review it in its entirety”. What “it” actually is, who knows? Descartes perhaps?

The BBC panel which included Jeremy Guscott (eh, why?) were also finding ways to add insult to injury, scratching their heads in bafflement at how “our colleagues on RTÉ” awarded the man of the match to Mike Phillips when the world and his granny would’ve given it (the award that is) to George ‘Jonah’ North. They had a point, but BBC shouldn’t be pointing fingers at anyone while they have Jonathan Davies spouting on, siren-voiced through his nether regions, for the entire match.

TV has a way of catching everyone off-guard, but every time Jonny Sexton misses a penalty chance, the cameras close in on Ronan O’Gara in the stands. I may be wrong but I’m almost certain on Sunday he mouthed “You langer” to himself. Wonder who he was talking about?

Deccie has his work cut out, trying to rally the troops for this weekend. What do you need just after the sickener of losing your first match of the campaign? Well, a visit to Paris to take on the French, of course. Ireland will probably have to play better than they did against Australia to have any opportunity of pulling off what would be, at this point, a major shock. But what can Father Deccie actually say to the boys before stepping out into the French frenzy on Saturday night? When you think about it, it’s simple really.

“Don’t miss a single tackle, don’t miss a single kick, take all your opportunities, be more aggressive and don’t get a yellow card. Oh ,and watch out for all the French fellas with numbers on their backs.” Piece of cake!

To Dave Pearson I say this; a forward pass is when the ball is passed forward, not releasing the ball is when a fella doesn’t release the ball and if there is any doubt about who is holding on, not staying on their feet, not binding properly, not going through the gate or not rolling away, it will invariably be the French, so do the right thing and give the penalties to the boys in green.

Go on, you little squirrel!