Manchester United: Take a bow Mark Bosnich. Left Old Trafford dismissing claims he was unfit and overweight. By season's end he still hadn't played in Chelsea's first team. Why? Busy working on his fitness. Nuff said.

Arsenal: You know the joke: what do you call an Arsenal fan with a bottle of champagne? "Waiter!" Well, 18 goals in their 19 Premiership away games (even Manchester City scored more) didn't help the cause, so we're pointing the finger at their forwards. Thierry Henry was caught offside 75 times during the season, more than any other Premiership player, but on the rare occasion he was on-side he usually scored. Hats off, then, to the sporadically god-like Nwankwo Kanu - 42 appearances, five goals.

Liverpool: Jamie Redknapp. A bit of a sympathy vote here. Joined Liverpool in January 1991 from Bournemouth and since then played in one under-achieving team after another. Then? Misses the 2000-2001 season through injury, and what happens? The mini-Treble plus Champions League qualification.

Leeds: See above. Michael Bridges, Leeds' very own Jamie Redknapp. Played 11 games, then got injured and missed all that Champions League fun.

Ipswich: After narrowly missing out on Champions League qualification at the end of a season that most of us expected to terminate miserably with relegation, there are absolutely no Ipswich contenders for the non-player-of-the-year award.

Chelsea: We were tempted to nominate the entire squad, but then we read Dennis Wise's quote hinting at the mystification that is Claudio Ranieri's tactical approach to the game, and, thus, decided to give the gong to the boss. "I started on the left of the midfield three on Boxing Day. I quickly moved to left wingback, then right wing-back, then played on the right of a midfield four and finally a midfield five," he said.

Sunderland: When Sven-Goran Eriksson was appointed England boss the Guardian wrote: "In 1997 Eriksson took Daniele Dichio to Sampdoria from QPR to replace Roberto Mancini . . . be afraid." Indeed. In a season when Niall Quinn struggled with injuries and Kevin Philips mislaid the Midas touch, Sunderland needed Dichio to produce the goal-scoring goods. Err: 23 appearances, two goals.

Aston Villa: We suspected it would all end in tears when John Gregory signed him and we weren't wrong: Daveeeed Ginola played precisely five full games for Villa during the season. Five. Now he says he wants to become a manager. Stop laughing at the back.

Charlton: See Ipswich.

Southampton: Poor auld Kevin Davies. Blackburn signed him a few seasons back because they thought he was the new Alan Shearer. Turned out he was the new Garry Birtles. Sold him back to Southampton. New lease of life? God no. Played 27 league games, scored just the one.

Newcastle: Their only achievement of note was the 25-game run they completed without keeping a single clean sheet. Our patriotic fervour leads us to single out their defence, though, rather than their goalie, largely because he happens to be Shay Given.

Tottenham: When they signed him last summer for money that they could ill-afford, the club hailed Sergei Rebrov as the man to put the "Glory, Glory Tot'nam Hotspurs" back into White Hart Lane. Did it happen? Did it heck. Not all Sergei's fault, though: after all, he was surrounded by the likes of Oyvind Leonhardsen, Jose Dominguez and Ben Thatcher. Need we go on?

Leicester: Stan Collymore - see Bradford.

Middlesbrough: The winner is Hamilton Ricard. "We play, we lose. Hamil come off, Hamil no score. I am not happy here," as he said himself.

West Ham: Remember West Ham signed Davor Suker from Arsenal last year? Yeah, they did - honest.

Everton: It's too, too easy to pick on Paul Gascoigne every time, so we won't. Except to say that he's confident next season will be better: "My thigh's alright, my hernia's alright, my arm's alright and the nerve I have just had a small operation on is alright. Apart from that, I have just got my elbow to go, but that is not a problem. I am just looking forward to a nice relaxing break and then I will be back raring to go next season."

Derby: Born-again God-lover Taribo West vowed he would be Derby's saviour (literally), but he left them to battle against relegation without his divine intervention for 20 league games. Still, he provided one of our favourite yarns of the season. He revealed to CNN that as a young lad he was a "gangster" who passed much of his time beating the living daylights out of "street" rivals. He then added, movingly, that he thought most of childhood friends were dead. How did he know this? "Because if they were alive, they would be coming round to extort money from me, so they must be dead." Top man, Taribo.

Manchester City: He came, he saw, he left. George Weah. No flies on ya.

Coventry: Cedric Roussel. Robbie Keane's replacement at Coventry at the start of the season. Played 17, scored twice and finished the campaign with this tribute from chairman Bryan Richardson ringing in his ears: "There's no doubt that we should have replaced Robbie, but we thought that Cedric Roussel could take over. We were wrong. He had a nightmare."

Bradford: Stan Collymore - see Leicester.