Mary Hannigan's Planet Football

Planet Football's Berlin correspondent, Justin Woods, was watching German channel DSF's coverage of Moldova v Scotland last week and heard the presenter declare after the game:

Scotland need some pot luck

"The Scots need to become Bravehearts again, they need big strong defenders like that blonde guy, eh, Stephen Hendry." Next week: Brian Kerr opts for Ken Doherty in the hole behind the front two.

It's black and white for Curle

As one of the few black managers in English football Keith Curle (Mansfield Town) was a natural choice for BBC Radio 5 last week to discuss the Independent Football Commission's report that called on more black and Asian coaches, managers and referees to be brought in to the games.

Curle himself, of course, has had to overcome prejudices through his career but, he said recently, that "picking on someone because they come from an ethnic minority is now unacceptable".

Progress, then. So, Radio 5 asked him (as heard by Football 365), why were there so few Asians in the game? "Well, if Asians were good enough they'd be playing, wouldn't they," he said. "And anyway, their parents want them to go into law and that". Thanks for that Keith.

Tributes of the week

"There can be no place for nancy boys in my group . . . a player cannot use every slightest setback as an excuse for malingering."

- Claudio Ranieri on the contribution made by Hernan Crespo to his Chelsea team.

"This is the least talented group of players that any Scotland manager has had to work with since football was invented.

- Graeme Souness on a bright future for Berti Vogts's team.

"He was one of the biggest p***ks I have ever had the misfortune to come across."

- Stan Collymore reminiscing fondly about his time at Aston Villa under manager John Gregory.

"Mutu had all the skills and flair, but to win championships things have to be right between the ears".

- Ranieri again, suggesting Adrian Mutu had a football for a brain.

"They always say that you never learn unless you lose or make a bad mistake in a game. So I learned a lot from last season. I owe Kevin Keegan a lot."

- Shaun Wright-Phillips. "Gee, thanks," Keegan might reply.

"My friends who have seen Chelsea this season say it is sometimes painful to watch."

- Ranieri again, applauding his successor at Stamford Bridge, Jose Mourinho.

Campbell must be Hoppen mad

As the headline in yesterday's Sunday Mirror put it, "Sol Camp-Bill". While the Arsenal man was going out with interior designer Kelly Hoppen she "advised him on what colour he should paint the interior walls and what type of furniture, curtains and flooring to use" in his new £5.3 million Chelsea home.

Grand. Except after they split up she sent him a bill for £70,000 for sharing her expertise. Just for recommending leopard skin instead of zebra stripes? We're in the wrong business lads.

Fayed's not keen on kofta

Never mind the takeover goings-on at Manchester United, the real entertainment is happening at Fulham where the negotiations have been marked by a high degree of, um, maturity.

One of Fulham chairman Mohamed Al Fayed's advisors described the Falyali brothers, Husnu and Halil, who were attempting to buy the club, as "kebab shop boys", to which their spokesman replied: "We have not stooped to this level to describe him as a camel owner."

Quotes of the week

"I am sure some people think I have not got the brains to be that clever - but I do have the brains."

- David Beckham cunningly telling the world he got himself deliberately booked against Wales. Oh David, oh David, oh David.

"Talking is silver, but silence is golden."

- Sven-Goran Eriksson's judgment of the above.

BBC Radio Commentator: "Who are we playing, Graham?"

Graham Taylor: "I know it starts with an 'A', ends in a 'N' and there's a 'Zazza' and a 'Bazaa' and it ends in a 'Ban'."

- As Football 365 noted, Taylor appeared to believe England were playing Azzazzabazzaban, and not Azerbaijan.

"I don't know what this Australian referee is doing in Europe anyway. What he allowed them to play wasn't soccer, this was rugby."

- Austrian manager Hans Krankl after rucking and mauling with Northern Ireland in Belfast.

"Simon Grayson did well in midfield today, but we do need someone in there with more legs."

- Colin Hendry, as heard by Private Eye.

"In France when they see English games on TV they say, 'the English are crazy, they must eat something different, they are not normal'. I wanted to come here to experience that."

- Talal El Karkouri explaining why he left Paris St Germain for an alternative diet at Charlton.

"So today the English leader has finally issued a formal apology after coming under harsh international criticism for bringing the country into disrepute owing to dodgy intelligence. But it's not David Beckham we are focusing on tonight, it's Tony Blair."

- BBC's Newsnight preview last week in its daily email.

Holland has an absent presence

Harshest assessment of the week: "Matt Holland was Charlton's most consistent performer last season but his contributions during this campaign have been far less impressive" (London Evening Standard).

True, Holland has been a bit anonymous for Charlton, but it's hard to be a big presence on the pitch when you're not on it - before yesterday he'd only played 28 minutes all season because he was out injured. Lads, pay attention.