It's like going into a freezing coal-shed and closing the door. That's how Dubliner John O'Neill describes his regular ventures into the dark, murky world of golf-ball retrieving - a world where "all sorts of creepy-crawlies are beefed-up by modern fertilisers".
A call to O'Neill seemed to be in order in view of a story in the Daily Telegraph earlier this week. It concerned two men who donned wet-suits, went diving at midnight in the lakes of the Branston club in Staffordshire and retrieved 800 golf balls.
In making their escape, however, they were stopped by police and charged with theft. But when the case came to court, the judge advised the jury that: "Property which has been abandoned cannot be stolen." So, they were cleared. Which didn't surprise O'Neill, who could recall a similar verdict in an Irish court some years ago.
As a 44-year-old commercial diver, who spent seven years in the Navy, he is the undisputed expert here where golf-ball retrieving is concerned. Unlike the English moonlighters, his activities are very much above board, and clients include Druids Glen, St Margaret's, the K Club, Mount Juliet, Citywest, Hollywood Lakes and Luttrellstown.
"It's a dangerous business which has claimed a number of lives," he warned. "For instance, I once swam into a full roll of barbed wire at St Margaret's. You're down there in pitch-black water, up to 35 feet in depth and you've got to feel out the balls with your hands.
"The drysuit I wear costs about £500 and I'm constantly repairing it. Then there's gloves at £15, along with insurance cover of about £500 per year. Everything I do was properly cleared by legal people before I got into the business."
Though he didn't say as much, one suspected that his favourite location was the K Club, where a deal with the management allows him to keep the balls he retrieves in return for maintaining their aerators and fountains. "The course has 11 lakes and it's reckoned that if a player sets out with 12 balls, seven of them will end up in water," he said.
O'Neill went on: "But you'd be amazed at the things I find there. Before Christmas, I was asked to dive into the lake beside the 18th to retrieve a gold watch and a golf-club that some frustrated loser had thrown in. Then there was the occasion when I had to fetch a full set of Pings from the lake at the second, after the brakes failed on a caddy-car.
"I keep myself fit by working out four nights a week and I'm the only one who will dive all year round. I've even broken ice to do it. But it's often impossible to retrieve balls because of the way they get caught up in weeds and things."
He got the idea from reading about the Second Chance company in the US where retrieving golf-balls is a $350 million business. Of the merchandise, which he sells to various outlets, O'Neill concluded: "I like to call them experienced balls - because they've been there."
"Golf is a game where guts, stickability and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer." Tommy Bolt
We are informed that Softspikes are the fastest growing golf product in the world, with upwards of 3,000 clubs in the US making them mandatory. But a spate of lawsuits could put a stop to their gallop, depending on how verdicts turn out.
The most common cases involve players who have fallen and broken a limb, after having plastic cleats officially refitted to their shoes. One such player is seeking damages of $75,000, and there are reports about a Michigan golfer who has settled an injury lawsuit for an undisclosed figure.
But the company are trenchantly defending their product. "We have not been presented with evidence in any case that an injury was caused by our product," said an attorney for Softspikes. Either way, he points out that each package carries a comprehensive warning, alerting customers to certain areas where cleat-users should exercise caution.
Meanwhile, the news from the US has done nothing to dampen the enthusiasm of Woodbrook GC, who remain devoted converts to the product. "Their use has been a major factor in saving our greens and we are not aware of any proof indicating inferior traction," said the club's general manager Brian O'Neill yesterday.
They're at it again. Our friends across-channel insist on claiming hole-in-one records when we know it's virtually impossible to do anything in golf that hasn't been done before. The latest episode concerns one-armed golfer Martin Botham, who had an ace at the 160-yard 16th at Collingham GC last week.
The 42-year-old 18-handicapper, who has been playing the game only three years, reacted predictably. "I just ran off, singing and dancing down the fairway," he said. Naturally we're delighted for this brave man who was born without a left arm, but the response of the British Hole-in-One Society was somewhat surprising. Their spokesman said: "We've never heard of anything like this before."
May I direct them to an event at the delightful Woodenbridge club in Co Wicklow, back in 1926. Playing in a fourball, J S Potter, the honorary secretary of the club, had a hole-in-one at the 110-yard fourth. Like Botham, he used his right arm only. In Potter's case, however, it was because of damage sustained to his left arm while fighting in the first World War.
Jimmy Bradshaw, the much-loved former professional at Delgany, is unwell at the moment. While wishing him a speedy recovery, I am reminded of a charming little exchange he had in his youth with a former editor of this newspaper, the redoubtable Bertie Smyllie.
It was a time when Jimmy was learning his craft as a caddie and the IT editor's second great love was playing golf at Delgany. In the event, Smyllie, of the formidable girth, complained that he couldn't see the ball where his caddie had teed it. "But Mr Smyllie, sir," Jimmy protested, "if I tee it where you can see it, you won't be able to reach it."
This day in golf history . . . On February 14th, 1935, Mary Kathryn "Mickey" Wright, considered by many to be the greatest woman golfer the game has seen, was born in San Diego, California. Tall and athletic, she had a classical swing which delivered 82 tournament victories, including four US Women's Opens.
Recalling her formative years, she said: "When I was 10, about the time my mother remarried, I was introduced to golf by my father who was a 15-handicap weekend golfer. He had me taught by Johnny Bellante, who started Gene Littler."
She went on: "I took to it like a duck to water and there was a picture of me in the local paper with the caption `The Next Babe?' You can imagine what that does to an 11-year-old and from that point onwards, I was determined to become a professional golfer. The victory that meant most to me was my fourth US Open in 1964 in San Diego, in front of my mother and father."
Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1976, she now lives in Florida where she spends most of her time "at the full-time job of living". She explained: "I must say that the real world is a lot busier than the unreal world of life on tour. I have a decent income, keep up with inflation and I don't lose money. Rather dull, but quite rewarding in its own way."
In Brief: A separate region has been created here in this year's Faldo Junior Series, involving Ulster/Connacht and Leinster/Munster. Further details from 0044-1818791001 . . . The Friendly Golf Challenge will take place over the Co Sligo, Bundoran, Enniscrone and Murvagh links on August 31st to September 3rd. Further details from (01) 2851749/2856767 . . . Sutton's Nicky Lynch informs me that he and David Barton are heading a trip to the Algarve next Saturday. Details from (01) 8735000.
Teaser: In a match between A and B, B made a statement which A interpreted to mean that his (A's) next stroke was conceded. Accordingly, A lifted his ball. B then said that he had not conceded A's next stroke. What is the ruling?
Answer: If B's statement could reasonably have led A to think his next stroke had been conceded, in equity (Rule 1-4) A should replace his ball as near as possible to where it lay, without penalty. Otherwise, A would incur a penalty stroke for lifting his ball without marking its position - Rule 20-1 - and he must replace his ball as near as possible to where it lay.
