Fred bats curtly but theory is clean bowled

TO witness one truly stirring display from a cricketer is a privilege, but two in the course of one night's telly viewing? Fierce fortuitous.

First up, on Sky Sports 3 on Tuesday night, was the mighty Curtly Ambrose. Three thousand Antiguans turned up for the meaningless final day's play against India, in a rain-shortened fourth test, just to witness their local hero become only the third West Indian to achieve the double of 100 wickets and 1,000 runs in test cricket.

Curtly had already taken 295 test wickets before he went out to bat on Tuesday, looking for his 1,000th run, and bowlers with records like that are allowed to be useless at batting. But Curtly isn't. With just a gentle flick of the wrist he often sends pacey deliveries over pavilion roofs and in to neighbouring villages - world class fast bowlers just aren't supposed to be able to do that.

Meanwhile, as Curtly was reaching his famous bat and ball milestone, another great cricketer was padding up in preparation for a battle of a very different sort back in London.

Now batting was never quite Fred Trueman's forte, having been a fiery fast bowler in his time for Yorkshire and England, but on Channel Four's Midnight Election Special he did his very best to wag John Major's flagging tail in the course of a rather heated political discussion.

"Who'll win the election Fred," asked presenter Vincent Hanna. "John Major - by 20 to 36 seats," replied our bowler confidently. "What do you think," Hanna asked publicist Max Clifford who was sitting beside Fred. "Labour by a hundred - at least," said Max.

"RUBBISH," cried Fred. "The whole country isn't daft," he added. Max got angry. "He's a dinosaur - he should be in a museum," he said of our bowler. "What did you say," asked Fred, in a slightly menacing way. Now, now, don't get personal," interjected a nervous Hanna.

Time for some cricketing analogies to calm Fred down. "If Blair, Ashdown and Major were put in to bat, who would protect their wicket the longest," asked Hanna. "John Major old course, he's a cricket man," insisted Fred. "Geoff Boycott would stay in the middle the longest though - perhaps he should be Prime Minister," suggested fellow panellist, jovial Jeffrey Archer. "Heck, I'd even prefer Blair to that man," said Fred of his beloved fellow Yorkshireman.

It was, however, when the subject turned to Europe that Fred got realty angry. How would a Blair-Ashdown led coalition deal with the Germans and the French? Fred recoiled in horror. "It'd be like putting two schoolboys in to face Ambrose and Walsh on a fast wicket," he howled.

"We bailed the French out a couple of times and thrashed the Germans - the only way they can beat us now is economically, by getting us in to Europe and destroying us and that's what would happen under Labour."

Sadly for Fred his theory about the inferior French and Germans was clean bowled on Wednesday and Thursday night when Manchester United and Liverpool just didn't read the googlies delivered by Borussia Dortmund and Paris Saint Germain.

"Hello from Dortmund. Here we go again, another little set-to between England and Germany ... on the football field," said Bob Wilson, in a Fredish kind of way, at the beginning of ITV's Champions' League coverage on Wednesday. By full time, chirpy Terry Venables needed to cheer Bob and Fred up after the efficient and well-organised (and lucky) Germans had beaten United. "It's beautifully teed up for a ripsnorter of a game in the second leg," promised Tel. (What's a ripsnorter of a game?).

Over on Network Two there was a greater degree of neutrality in the air ... although, it has to be said, there was nothing neutral about the colour of Johnny Giles's jacket. Spookily enough it appeared to be the very same green jacket that Bill O'Herlihy had proudly sported the afternoon the boys in orange got beaten in Macedonia. Do Bill and Johnny share the same wardrobe in the RTE costume department?

Eamon Dunphy gets his clothes from Radio Ireland these days. Eamon works for Radio Ireland? Yeah. In fact if United had scored as often as Earn on plugged his latest employers in the course of the evening, Borussia Dortmund wouldn't even bother turning up at Old Trafford on Wednesday week.

But they will, thanks to a cruelly deflected Rene Tretschok goal. (Fred wouldn't like that name). Eamon and Johnny were a little critical of United goalkeeper Raimond van der Gouw, who was a late replacement for the injured Peter Schmeichel, for waving at the ball as it went over his head in to the net. Alex Ferguson seemed a bit unimpressed too. Before the match? "I've no worries about Raimond at all - he's an excellent goalkeeper." After the match? "We've got a good chance in the second leg - Peter Schmeichel will be back."

Speaking of goalkeepers. David James. Liverpool. Ooops. "He'll be disappointed but I don't want to say nuttin', he's me mate, I don't want to give him any more stick than he's most probably gonna get," said ITV panellist Ian Wright after his mate David had helped Paris Saint Germain to a 2-0 half time lead. Beside Ian, Glenn Hoddle the man who made David an England international a couple of weeks ago, was dialling David Seaman on his mobile, just to check his fitness.

"Nobody can look more exasperated than a Frenchman," said commentator Clive Tyldesley, after PSG's Loko failed to win a free kick late in the game. Roy Evans must have French blood - the Liverpool boss looked fairly exasperated himself after the 3-0 defeat. "That was an absolute disaster for us," he admitted to the ITV reporter. "We've got to look at ourselves individually and ask ourselves did we perform tonight - and the answer's no," he said as David walked sheepishly past in to the dressing room.

There was, however, some welcome support for under-fire David from fellow goalkeeper Dave Beasant on Friday's Sky Sports Centre. Beasant, who once missed most of a season after dropping a salad cream bottle on his foot, has had a few dodgy goalkeeping moments in his time so he was in a good position to give advice. "He should just carry on playing his normal game," he insisted. Mmm. Roy Evans will hope not.

The chances of Nike using the slogan "I am David James" in an advertising campaign are probably a bit slim, but, then, the "I am Tiger Woods" version is doing just fine. First round of the US Masters on Thursday. "Look at that - birdie, par, birdie, birdie, par, birdie, par, birdie, my word, it really is quite remarkable," said the BBC's Peter Alliss, who thought he'd seen it all before Tiger came along.

"I am Tiger Woods. If you say it often enough you might start to believe it. Mind you, it didn't work with the bank manager. You are Tiger Woods? In your dreams pal: YOU ARE OVERDRAWN," he said. Worth a try.