ALL IN THE GAME: A soccer miscellany

BENNI McCarthy’s unhappy spell with West Ham came to an end last week when he left the club by mutual consent, accepting a €2.3 million pay-off – roughly half of what he’d have earned if he stayed for the remainder of his €43,000-a-week contract. He’d also paid a reported €227,000 in fines for being overweight, so it was a bum deal.

There were no hard feelings, though, from West Ham vice-chairman Karren Brady as she thanked McCarthy for his (no goals in 14 appearances) service: “He was a big fat mistake. Rather than the super scorer we hoped for, we acquired a super size, a player devoted to filling his belly more than filling the net. As time went by he grew bigger and bigger and although in time he made a great effort to slim down, he’d passed the waistline of no return.”

Manager Avram Grant agreed to allow McCarthy continue to train with the club (“but I don’t want to this to turn into a gym for Weight Watchers”), which was a surprise considering what the player said recently: “I don’t really know when I last spoke to him – but he’s got a lot on his plate at the moment. “Not as much as you have on yours, buddy,” Grant possibly replied.

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The record number of goals Lionel Messi has scored so far this season – 31 in La Liga, nine in the Champions League and 10 in Spanish Cup competitions. He's promising, the little fella.

On the doss: Notts County boss looks for new home

NEVER, surely, has there been a "Message From The Manager" quite like the one penned by the recently-appointed Martin Allen for the Notts County website last week.

It starts out with a long list of thank yous – including to Hannah the Analyst (for showing him Tranmere Rovers' set plays – "She is a top girl!"), Kate ("She took my white shirt home and ironed it. She's a top girl!") and the bus drivers ("they drive the bus smoothly and calmly. They are top lads!")

It finishes with a somewhat plaintive plea for a place to call home: "I am trying to find somewhere to kip. I don't like these posh hotels. I don't want nothing flash. If you know anyone, it's for me and my dog Monty, who is a very good boy. I need somewhere, preferably on the south side of Nottingham, to kip, have a bit of food maybe and kind of be a dosser who will keep himself to himself, who works long hours. Very polite and well-mannered, friendly, funny, kind, caring, occasionally mad. If anyone can help, please contact the club."

Wisdom for Wags: Wife of Napoli owner offers advice

JACQUELINE De Laurentiis, wife of Napoli owner Aurelio, is rather keen for the wives and girlfriends of the club's players to do their bit as they attempt to beat AC Milan to the Serie A title. An extract from the "manual" she handed the women at a lunch last week: "Behind every great man stands a great woman . . . great players are such when they feel that way, especially in their heads; make sure your partner always manages to feel that way. We are counting on you for these last five matches of the season: please avoid useless family tension."

There was probably uproar when the lads got home.

Heavy hint: From 1972 hero

THE Stoke Sentinelhad a chat last week with George Eastham, the only player to score a winner for Stoke City in a major cup final (his goal won the 1972 League Cup).

Eastham, now 74, lives in South Africa, but would give anything to be able to attend next month's FA Cup final between his former club and Manchester City. "Its a long way away for me and travelling is expensive these days, so there might be absolutely no chance. But all things are possible, so you never know I suppose . . . what did you say the date was for the final?"

Now, that's what you call the mother of all come-and-get-me pleas. No pressure, Stoke.

From The Professor to the biggest nutter: Redknapp's take on angry Arsene Wenger

WORD OF MOUTH

"There has been a misunderstanding about the cup. It didn't fall, it jumped . . . when it saw so many Madristas."

– Real Madrid's Sergio Ramos on Twitter, explaining how that cup ended up crushed by the bus.

"Mourinho is the captain of the ship and we go to death with him. What has impressed us is that he is phenomenal."

– Ramos again, clearly prepared to thrown himself under a bus for Jose.

"Mourinho is a coach of titles, not football . . . if we understand the sport is a spectacle or entertainment for those who watch it.

– Johan Cruyff offers warm congratulations to Jose after that Spanish Cup win.

"All I have done is created a monster for myself with this season. What am I going to do next season? If we stay up, I have to stay up again. Otherwise I am a loser. And if we go down, I have to get them up again, otherwise I am not as good as I was the year before. I am in the s**t!

– Ian Holloway, caught between a Blackpool rock and a hard place.

"He used to be known as The Professor, sitting on the bench like a chess master. All the other idiots are jumping up and down, shouting and screaming . . . but that was with a team that went unbeaten all season. Suddenly they start losing and he's one of the biggest nutters of all."

– Harry Redknapp on the nutty professor, aka Arsene Wenger.

Milk moment: Sven sees the light over unpaid bill

REMEMBER that curious spell Sven-Goran Eriksson had as director of football at Notts County, between his shifts as manager of Mexico and the Ivory Coast? With promises of huge investment, the plan was that the club would be winning the Champions League and the like in no time at all.

Sadly, it didn't work out, Eriksson leaving the club seven months later after the loot failed to materialise. The Serious Fraud Office is now investigating.

When did Sven realise he wouldn't have the funds to buy, say, Lionel Messi? "I started to have doubts when they came and told me the milk bill has not been paid," he told the BBC's Panorama.

A warning sign indeed.

Mindless mascot: Acts the moron with firing motion

AFTER recent unpleasant events there was a bit of pressure on Scottish football to show its best face at the weekend, and you'd imagine that Dunfermline mascot Sammy the Tammy had that in mind when he took to the pitch to entertain the fans before Saturday's game against Raith Rovers.

Except, according to a Raith supporter quoted by the Scottish Sunday Mail, "this clown came out in a cardboard tank and made a motion as if he was firing at the Raith fans. There was the sound of gunfire playing over the speakers too".

To be honest, whatever about his eyes, we wondered if the Raith fan's ears had deceived him. But no, the Mail confirmed that when Sammy appeared in his cardboard tank "the sound of machine gun fire blared through speakers before the derby at East End Park".

Police later spoke to officials at the club and offered "a word of caution in relation to the way the mascot presented himself". As Scottish writer and Raith fan Ian Rankin, who was at the game, tweeted: "Not subtle". Well, no.

Oh no: Some right tweets

SOME of the comments on Twitter last week were predictable enough:

Somebody needs to hurry up and shoot Neil Lennon #JustSaying

Wish that parcel bomb f****** killed neil lennon, the little ***;

Bombs sent in the post to neil Lennon #hilarious.

And then there was a post on Facebook about petrol-bombing Celtic fans.

All four of the fellas who made the comments were easily identified – youth team players with Clyde, Berwick Rangers, St Mirren and Motherwell.

Two have been sacked, and two suspended while their clubs look in to the matter.