TV VIEW:Sympathy doesn't often come a calling to Pat Kenny, but it was impossible not to feel for the man during Friday night's Late Late Show.

Introduced as "victims of celebrity", Monica Seles and Jennifer Capriati trotted out with only marginally less enthusiasm than they did for the Collins Cup over at the RDS.

Kenny's nervous "heh-heh" laugh was at full throttle inside a minute as "the girls" swatted the banalities they've uttered ad nauseum over the years back at him.

"It's been hard sometimes, hasn't it Monica?"

"I would never have it any other way."

"Jennifer, when you were 10, you were whipping 13-year-olds."

"Eighteen-year-olds."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Amazing, heh-heh. Do either of you feel at any stage this was no life for a child?"

"No, we love it."

"Ever resent it?"

"Oh not at all," said Seles.

"Never," said Capriati.

"Heh-heh, heh-heh," said Kenny, his voice climbing a little.

Those of us who ask questions for a living squirmed behind the sofa and peeped at the screen through our fingers. It's happened everyone. Some athletes are either so boring or so bored with the interview process they go into automatic. Capriati had the good grace to look almost embarrassed for Kenny, but Seles was taking no prisoners.

"You are emotionally vulnerable on court but the last thing you expected was for some maniac to stab you?" Small wars have been fought in the subsequent pause as "heh-heh's" eyes pleaded for Seles to run with him on this.

"Question?" she eventually asked. From then on Kenny could have asked her for the theory of deep-water physics or the dimensions of the blade in her back, it wouldn't have made any difference.

"What about the youngsters out to beat you?"

"I just try and stay in shape and go out there and have some fun."

"You spend most of your life in hotels, don't you?"

"I just try and stay in shape and go out there and have some fun."

"What's left for you, Monica?"

"I don't know. Erm, I just try and stay in shape and go out there and have some fun."

"Heh-heh, heh-heh, heh-heh."

Women's tennis is a weird little world anyway, when you think about it. By popular repute, the stadiums are full of stalkers and the showers full of moustachioed lesbians. No wonder the players learn to speak fluent cliche. It's an, erm, survival thing.

Men's tennis, you'd think, might be different, but Saturday's coverage of the Honda Seniors Classic at the Albert Hall was cut off at the knees the night before when John McEnroe was knocked out.

That left a semi-final line-up of Petr Korda-Henri Leconte and Michael Stich-Jeremy Bates. You could almost hear the BBC producers scouring the hall for moustachioed lesbians. It was no wonder Sue Barker and John Lloyd spent most of the hour talking about McEnroe, who was probably back in New York.

"These tournaments were originally based on the Holy Trinity of Connors, McEnroe and Borg. Who is following them on?"

"Petr Korda, Boris Becker, Michael Stich," said Lloyd. "And it won't be long before Michael Chang and Jim Courier will be on board." Through Barker's ear-piece it was possible to hear the producers praying for dungarees.

Korda is clearly a fine player, but even in the weird world of seniors tennis, where lying down on the ground can cause paroxysms of laughter in the audience, he brings all the Slavic charisma of a combine harvester.

Leconte looned around and again confirmed the opinion of those who find him to be, frankly, un prat.

"You cannot be serious," he even roared at one stage, but it just wasn't the same. He's too French to mean it.

The news had been full of sectarianism during the week, no coincidence on the eve of Saturday's Old Firm clash. Celtic and Rangers attract more than their share of tribal idiots but there's no denying the bigots know how to rise a storm. Barely had 51,000 backsides touched their seats at Ibrox than they were up again in either dismay or delirium. After that things got exciting.

"Please, stick with us. It will be better in the second half," oozed Gary Lineker at half-time. Lineker does spontaneity the same way snipers do: very, very carefully.

But smug, now there's something the boy can do naturally. In fact it could be argued that what Lineker really needs is a good half-hour with the victims of celebrity.

"Monica, I do have a cheeky grin, don't I?"

"Question?"

"Erm, heh-heh?"