Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN:
War, what is it good for: Pulis’s motivation
You know the famous old George Orwell quote, "sport is war minus the shooting"? Well, it seems Stoke manager Tony Pulis is fond himself of making comparisons between the sporting and warring businesses, judging by the poster he had hanging in the team dressing room.
According to the Mirror, it featured pictures of the England squad returning to Heathrow from the 2010 World Cup, alongside coffins of soldiers killed in Afghanistan returning home to Britain.
“On 29th June 2010 two planes landed in England,” read the inscription. The first carried “23 immature underachievers who complained about being tired and missing their families after two weeks in a luxury hotel”, the second “carried the coffins of seven fallen soldiers who had spent months away from their loved ones, living in tents in a war zone. They couldn’t complain. Those soldiers earned £15k - £30k a year, not a day.” Fortunately enough, the poster was lost when the dressing room was done up during the summer.
As the Mirrorput it, "it would have made interesting reading for new arrivals Peter Crouch and Matthew Upson . . . who were both on the first plane."
Gyan you good thing: Bruce doesn't know what country Asamoah is off to now
“No disrespect to the country. It’s a wonderful place, the . . . where’s he gone again?”
– Steve Bruce on Asamoah Gyan’s move to the United Arab Whatchamacallit.
“S**t happens.”
– Borussia Dortmund coach Jurgen Klopp excuses Sebastian Kehl for his mistake that led to Arsenal’s Champions League goal last week.
“I wanted to kick myself in the arse.”
– But Kehl was less forgiving – of himself.
“Juventus do not have a vendetta against Inter. They are simply collateral damage.”
– Juventus President Andrea Agnelli. Feel the love.
“He’s white, completely white.”
– Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson spots a difference between Wayne Rooney and Pele.
“I was amazed when I saw it,” Wolves fan Luke Fellows told The Express and Star.
“The wind was howling and I saw a bag blow over my garden fence and as I looked up, I saw the wolf’s head.”
In fairness to Luke, that does look like the Wolves crest in the sky above his house, although his faith that “it proves beyond doubt that God is a Wolves fan” might have been shaken by defeat to QPR on Saturday.
Newcastle in good knickers
IT’S always a good thing when football clubs remember that not all of their supporters are lads, so hats off to Paul Robinson for complaining last week that “women now make up about 20 per cent of football supporters but only three to five per cent of club merchandise is aimed at them”.
Well, as director of Premier Lingerie, Robinson decided to take a stand, introducing a new line of women-friendly merchandise at Newcastle United.
“Not enough clubs are doing anything sassy for their female fans, so that’s where we’re helping,” he said, unveiling French knickers, bras, garter belts and the like. Form an orderly queue ladies
“I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me. I don’t have any other explanation Cristiano “oh Lord it’s so hard to be humble” Ronaldo tries to figure out why he’s not universally loved
Diamond life: Patient Liverpool fans sing the praises of goal-shy Carroll
"Sweet Carroll 9, Doo doo doo, scoring never looked so good". To the tune – you guessed it – of Sweet Caroline, Liverpool fans hail the Andy lad. Mind you, they're still waiting for a league goal from the fella this season.
"We never stop talking to each other, not even in the shower." Lazio's Djibril Cisse on his new best friend, Miroslav Klose.
"I think he is not an international gentleman and he is like a little brat." Former Fifa vice president Chung Mong-joon pays tribute to Sepp Blatter in his shiny new book.
"I have said one thousand times before – I am not here to pick my nose." Manchester United goalkeeper Anders Lindegaard, tired of trying to pass the time on the bench.
"When I saw Andrea Pirlo play, I thought 'there is a God'." Gianluigi Buffon on his divine Juventus buddy.
"I'm not going to diss Norwich, but they lack quality and don't create any chances." talkSPORT's Micky Quinn. Quality.
Barton watch: Joey's shedding of material goods driven in part by self-interest
JOEY BARTON has been getting a plaudit or two for turning his back on his flashy lifestyle, the QPR man telling his PA to sell his €573,000 collection of 24 designer watches and deciding to replace his Aston Martin DBS with a more modest set of wheels. "You change as you get older," he said. "People are struggling to put food on the table and there I am with flash watches and cars." Admirable. Oh. Wait. "I am sick of paying the Government all that tax on petrol. It costs me £100 (€115) to fill my car and that only lasts me a few days."
Barton also expressed his admiration for David Cameron last week, so he's not entirely against the British government. "I was Labour until the Gordon Brown and Tony Blair debacle. Brown is a talentless idiot who I can't believe was running the country. I don't think the working class should be running the country and that's coming from me – I am working class. I don't like Ed Miliband either. He is a d***head. His voice is so strange. It's like a Monty Python scene where you see the other MPs sniggering behind his back."
Conspiracy theory: At Anfield
LIVERPOOL FC statement: "The club takes this matter extremely seriously and senior club officials have informed Nathan Eccleston that we are undertaking an investigation into the circumstances surrounding these postings and will decide on an appropriate course of action."
What was the problem? The 20-year-old tweeted his opinion that 9/11 was not the work of "terrorists", that it was all down to an "Illuminati" conspiracy.
He wrote: "I ain't going to say attack don't let the media make u believe that was terrorist that did it." He later deleted the post.
You'd pay anything to hear Kenny Dalglish's chat with the fella on the subject.
