Aldo doesn't come up smelling of roses

FOOTBALL FANS everywhere were united in their grief last week when tragedy befell one of the game's most loved characters and tears flowed as they tried to come to terms with the horror of it all. Yep, Peter Schmeichel conceded eleven goals in two matches - five to Newcastle and six to Southampton, including a hat-trick from ace marksman Egil Ostenstadt.

Never one to look for excuses and never one to blame others for his mistakes, the big loveable Dane offered a perfectly reasonable explanation for the 5-0 defeat to Newcastle - it was all because United had beaten Fenerbahce in the Champions League the Wednesday before.

"Everyone got carried away because we won a game away from home in Europe. Suddenly we were going to go on and win the European Cup, so that was in our minds all the time. Although 5-0 was a hard one to take I don't think it was too bad a thing because it brought us back down to earth," said Schmikes on ITV's Champions League preview. He was, however, unavailable for comment after the 6-3 defeat to Southampton.

Schmikes's boss Alex Ferguson chirpily described the Newcastle defeat as a `blip' (through clenched teeth and with smoke billowing out of his cars), a view shared by his Cockney midfield dynamo David Beckham on Sky Sports Centre later in the week. Reporter Jackie Leavey did her best to provoke young Beckie into a Fergie like tantrum but he was having none of it.

"So David, what's it like coming back from a 5-0 thumping," she asked. "Eh, we've not seen it as fumping, we woz quite pleased with the way we played to be honest. We didn't think we'd done anything wrong - we woz just punished for every one of our mistakes," he said.

But Jackie wasn't giving up there, she wanted tears from the starlet. "So you're playing Southampton tomorrow? You didn't like your grey strip when you lost there last year and, well, you didn't like the black and white one the other night," she persisted. "Nah, it was just one of those games, it's forgotten about now - WELL, I'M TRYING TO FORGET ABOUT IT," replied Beckie who, you suspect, will not be inviting Jackie to his 12th birthday party next month.

Having twice turned down the opportunity to move to Old Trafford during his career, a grinning Alan Shearer tried to be diplomatic in his assessment of Newcastle's 5-0 victory. "At the end of the day it's only three points," he told Sky's reporter after the match but you knew he really wanted to burst out laughing and scream `WE STUFFED THE...!

Meanwhile, another son of Newcastle, Jack Charlton, made an appearance on The Pat Kenny Show on Saturday night and explained that as a teenager he was faced with two career choices - either to go down the pits or join Leeds United. On the evidence of Leeds' display in their 3-0 defeat to Arsenal at Highbury earlier in the day there may not he a ginormous difference between those options these days.

"We've had a shot on goal, we've had a shot on goal," chanted the Leeds fans merrily on Match Of The Day when Ian Harte's 40th minute wayward effort forced Arsenal goalkeeper David Seaman to momentarily put down the novel so he could retrieve the ball for a goal-kick.

Nobody ever said life under George Graham would be exciting, least of all his former player Paul Merson. On Sky Sports Centre the Arsenal man was asked to explain why Graham had been so successful at Highbury. "Cos the lads were frightened of him," he said in a short but glowing tribute to his exboss.

And speaking of glowing tributes; on Network Two's The Grip on Friday, Sarah O'Flaherty asked a few of the Irish team to pay tribute to John Aldridge. Andy Townsend described him as the best goalscorer I ever played with, while Steve Staunton said he was `up there with Ian Rush'.

Jason McAteer? His most vivid memory of his fellow Liverpudlian was, eh, moving. "We were coming back from the World Cup and obviously we'd had a few drinks the night before and he just stunk the plane out - he just stunk. That's my biggest memory of Aldo, the goalscoring legend from Liverpool," said Jace.

The next time you hear George Hamilton triumphantly exclaim: `And Aldo's escaped his marker!' you'll have a good idea why.

Another famous Irishman, Killiney's Damon Hill (well the English claimed Barry McGuigan, Stephen Roche AND Dana over the years) appeared on The Clive Anderson Show last week as part of his post World Championship winning celebrations. Clive asked the questions we all wanted to hear but never thought anyone would be foolish enough to ask.

"Why have you been booted out by Frank Williams? Was it because you were bringing the car back without any petrol too often? As a car was the Williams any good at towing caravans? Why were you always having accidents with Michael Schumacher? Was it because he drives on the left hand side and you drive on the right?

"What have the sponsors got to do with the cars - do Renault supply the engines and Benetton the jumpers? So Karl Heinz Frentzen took your car at Williams? Well you shouldn't have left the keys in it Damon, there's a lot of it about," said Clive in the course of his `interview'.

Damon coped with this interrogation remarkably well but he almost became angry when Clive began discussing the commercial potential of a delicate part of the World Champ's anatomy. "It's the one bit of your bodies that doesn't have an advert on it. There's an idea; could you fit `Pizza Hut' on it? Well, maybe you could shorten it to PH." Poor old Damo.

In the course of last week's nightly live coverage of the World Series, the Sky Sports' team of Mike Carlson and Rico Petrocelli set out to re-educate those of us who suspect that baseball is just America's answer to rounders. "Rico, explain what's going on there with all those signs we see the coaches making. It's not that they've had too many cups of coffee is it," asked Mike.

"Oh no," said Rico. "The signs come from the manager - he gives a facial sign or a hat sign and only he and the third base coach know what the signs are. Then the third base coach gives the sign to the hitter but he doesn't want the other team to catch the signs, so he does all kinds of things on his head and on his nose and ears." Okay, got that.

"The hitter knows that, let's say, the bunt sign is the arm but the coach will do a few more things so he doesn't give it away usually there's another few signs involved. If he goes to the sign which is the indicator then the signs are on, but if he doesn't he could do anything and nothing's on. Sometimes he could be doing it just to make sure everyone's paying attention." Zzzzzzz.