PLANET SOCCER:ROY Keane, you might have noticed, doesn't suffer fools, but it was news to us last week that he doesn't suffer Abba either.

"After I first arrived we went to Ipswich and got beaten 3-1 and I swear they were playing Abba music before the game. Dancing Queen, I think it was," he said, barely containing his abhorrence of Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and the other singer whose name begins with A.

"Ipswich would have been outside our dressingroom listening to us lot listening to Dancing Queenand thinking we've got a great chance against these. That's what I would be thinking. And they beat us."

We have an image of Sunderland's dressingroom looking like a scene from "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert". "Two of the players were dancing in the corner, they didn't want to go out and play the game, they wanted to listen to bloody Abba. It was the masseur playing the music. I remember thinking that's not right. None of the players had the balls to say, 'Hey we're not listening to this rubbish.' That masseur is no longer at the club." Poor fella met his Waterloo.

Mbia in a bit  of a muddle

WE'VE read many a come-and-get-me plea from footballers in our time, but Rennes midfielder Stephane Mbia's musings take beating.

"I want Everton - it's my dream. Everton want me, and Arsenal do too, so I'm waiting. I want to play for Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea. Chelsea is my favourite. If Manchester, Everton or Arsenal come for me, I will go. It's all very, very good. Manchester is my dream: I'd join them. And I like Everton. So I'm waiting."

Song of the week

"CHELSEA, dearie dearie me,

you couldn't take a pen-al-ty,

Anelka and John Terry both ****ed up,

and we came home with the European Cup."

- Manchester United fans at Stamford Bridge yesterday, helping Chelsea put their Moscow nightmare behind them.

Tough times for Ashley lookalike

THESE are tough days for Newcastle supporter and restaurant owner Alan McKenna. As if watching his team isn't bad enough he can't even powder his nose in peace at St James' Park. "I went to the toilets and while I was in there a guy came up to me and said: 'How did you get in here you sneaky fat b*****d?" he revealed. "I can't believe he called me that - I'm not even that fat."

The problem here? McKenna looks more than a bit like the club's less than popular owner Mike Ashley, especially when he sports that Newcastle shirt.

"When he was popular, people would often come and pat me on the back if I was walking through Newcastle, telling me what a great job I was doing," he said, "but now the abuse has really started.

"Just the other day, I was having my photograph taken outside my restaurant when some builders across the street shouted: 'Ashley, you are a ****ing ****.' I think I'm going to have to get a Newcastle shirt with 'I'm not Mike' on the back."

It could be worse; he could look like Dennis Wise.

Hunt brothers cleaning up at Reading

IF he read the Sunlast week Steve Coppell might well be concerned about the chances of the Hunt brothers co-operating in front of goal this season after Noel and Stephen revealed their bet: if one of them scores the other has to be his slave until the next game.

This involves "making cups of tea, cleaning muddy boots, doing the housework" and the like.

"Maybe next time I'll look for someone else to pass to," said a weary Noel of the moment a few weeks ago when he was careless enough to set Stephen up for a goal.

"He even phoned me at 10 o'clock one night and made me drive to his house to make him a cup of tea."

Noel enjoyed a welcome a break last week, Stephen on hoovering and dusting duty after his little brother scored twice against Sheffield Wednesday, but Noel had the rubber gloves back on once Stephen equalised with a late penalty against Watford on Saturday.

At this rate they'll be starring on Channel 4 in "How Clean Is Your House?"

Quotes of the week

"Mourinho is a man who deserves a smack in the mouth."

- Looks like Jose's making new friends in Italy, including the Catania general manager, Pietro Lo Monaco.

"Who is Lo Monaco? I know it means 'monk', the Principality of Monaco, Bayern Munich and the Monaco Grand Prix, but that's all."

- And Jose's returning the love.

"I do not think I am the best coach in the world, but I also don't believe there is anyone in the world who is better than me."

- But he's still suffering from self-esteem issues.

"Alex Ferguson was a 'Dennis the Menace' schoolboy who used to pull a girl classmate's pigtails and try to nick her sweets."

- The Sundigs up a scandal in Ferguson's past. Can knighthoods be taken back?

"I think the whole country realises he is one of the best four managers in the world."

- Wigan owner Dave Whelan on . . . Steve Bruce. Seriously.

"Liverpool are like the Duracell bunnies - they are an example to the rest of the world for the effort they put in. You just wind them up and off they go."

- Marseille coach Eric Gerets pays tribute to Rafa's boys. Mind you, their batteries were a bit flat against Stoke on Saturday.

"Alex is very good with me and I really feel he loves me as a person."

- Carlos Tevez on Alex Ferguson before he was dropped for the Chelsea game yesterday.

"I've never seen anything like it. It's like a UFO landing, a mistake like that."

- Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd after Reading were awarded a goal on Saturday when the ball just, eh, went out for a corner.

"He wooed ladies, then consumed my barbecue and my alcohol."

- A Brazilian bar owner admits he needed to do a bit of restocking after a visit by Ronaldinho.