LOCKER ROOM:Scrimshank (verb, intransitive): To shirk work; to malinger; to write a series of words instead of a thoughtful column, writes TOM HUMPHRIES
THE DEVIL’S dictionary:
Athenry: Town in western Ireland which suffers famously from problems of rural isolation. Twinned with expensive section in new Aviva Stadium. “It’s so lonely round the Premium seats today.”
Break (noun): Quirk of fate which permits Irish citizen to get away with illegal or immoral act. Eg: Them’s the breaks, Georgia.
Camus, Albert (1913-60): French novelist and journalist who illustrated the philosophy of the absurd. Disciple of Johnny “Give Us a Break, Bill” Giles.
Cheat (noun): Transgressor of rules if transgression is done by a foreign person. Also Filthy Cheat: Foreign person who breaks the rules at expense of Irish person.
Consistency (noun): That quality of adherence to principle which led not just Irish people to protest outside the French embassy but which in the past led many others to acts of self-immolation, having been unable to endure the shame caused by the premeditated cheating of certain Irish Olympians.
Déjà vu: The illusory feeling of having already experienced a present situation; something tediously familiar. See also Farce.
Desolate (adjective): Deserted, uninhabited, barren, dismal, depopulated. The expensive section in the new Aviva Stadium.
Dorado, El: Spanish for “the golden one”. A legend which began with the story of a South American tribal chief who covered himself with gold dust and would dive into a lake of pure mountain water. Imagined as a place, El Dorado became a kingdom, an empire, the city of this legendary golden king or a lucrative replay against the French.
Ennui: A tendency to be overcome by a sense of torpor and boredom whenever a certain French striker is discussed in terms of moral excoriation. Also Thierry Ennui.
Famine (noun): Extreme scarcity, especially of food or drink caused by defeat in soccer game.
Farce (noun): 1 A comedy based on ludicrously improbable events; this genre of theatre. 2. Absurdly futile proceedings or pretence; the FAI.
Fate (noun): An irresistible power or force controlling all events which happen to other teams. An Italian player harshly sent off, or a hilarious penalty given to a home side against Georgia. Fate!
Feng Shui: An optimistic placement of the defensive furniture in the belief it will bring good luck to the opposing side. Eg, placing the red-headed defender behind the world-class striker with the goalkeeper facing directly up the field.
Haemophilia Hibernicus (noun): A hereditary, constitutional tendency of Irish people to bleed epically from a slight injury.
Hack (noun): Journalist with whose opinions one is generally unimpressed.
Herr Blatter, Sepp (1936– ): Guardian and administrator of the traditions and integrity of association football.
Herr Weave (1986- ): Coarse, vulgar name given by mean boys to the sensitive footballer Stephen Ireland. He doesn’t care, you know.
Joan of Arc, St (1412-31): French peasant martyr inspired by “voices”, burnt at the stake at Rouen.
John of Merrion Square, FAI (2004-2009): An Irish peasant martyr inspired by “world-class voices”, burnt at the stake at Paris.
Liberté, égalité, fraternité: National motto of France which finds contemporary expression mainly in the taking of liberté, with égalité and fraternité having long since fallen from fashion.
Liberty Fries: Potato chips served as an alternative to French Fries for those wishing to make a cheap point. Like French Fries, they are enjoyed by using the hand.
Opportunist (noun): One who spots and seizes easy chance for glory. Thierry Henry, Dermot Ahern.
Paris: Capital of France and its political, commercial and cultural centre; the crime scene.
Perspective (noun): A mental view of the relative importance of things, the ability to discern that somehow all the significant tragedy of the world is directed at oneself and that it would be of benefit to everybody else to appreciate this.
Reconciliation (noun): Suspension of hostilities prompted by mutual weariness, or the occurrence of something of more importance within the news cycle.
Sartre, Jean-Paul (1905-80): French philosopher, novelist and critic. The Dunphy of Gaul. Set out to demonstrate the human situation is characterised by a lack of a permanent nature, essence or divinely bestowed destiny, and as a result possesses a terrifying freedom of choice, especially around the box.
Scumbag (noun): Journalist with whose opinions one always disagrees.
Scrimshank (verb intransitive): To shirk work; to malinger; to write a series of words instead of a thoughtful column.
Square ball (noun): Infringement committed by the French footballist Thierry Henry when scoring controversial goal against the Republic of Ireland in 2009.
Tragedy (noun): Serious drama with unhappy events or sad ending.
Tragedy, National (noun): Drama wherein an entire nation which has been denied the chance to go to a penalty shoot-out imagines it has been denied the World Cup itself.
Tragicomedy (noun): Drama of mixed tragic and comic events involving the FAI.
Ubiquity (noun): Gift or power of being in all places at one time; David McWilliams. Opp: McShaneiqity: Curse of being all over the place but at the wrong time.
Wally: Central character in a series of children’s books by British illustrator Martin Handford. The books consist of full-page illustrations of people typically depicted during a frenzy of activity in a unique location, time period or activity. The intent is for the reader to find the character named Wally hidden in the group in a place where the reader least expects to find him. (Titled Where’s Wally? in Britain, Where’s Waldo? in North America and Where the Hell is Paul McShane? in Republic of Ireland).
Whine (verb, transitive, intransitive): To make a long-drawn complaining cry like that of a child or dog or professional footballer.
Whinge (verb, intransitive): To whine persistently; to whine for more than three days and three nights; to whine collectively and therapeutically as a nation.
Writer: Journalist with whose opinions one is in accord.
