Zodiac sign revamp reveals what is written in stars

NEWTON'S OPTIC:WITH THE heavens now out of astrological alignment, we bring you a revised horoscope more in tune with the state of the universe.

CAPRICOWEN

Few are as fated by the planets as you, Capricowen. Often mercurial, sometimes jovial and fond of the occasional saturnalia, even your friends will admit you are more Pluto than Plato. Whatever they say to your face, they also think you should be out on Uranus.

GEMARTIN

As the sun sets on your ruling sign this is the perfect time for your twin talents of silence and outspokenness; ambition and humility; resigning and not resigning.

BRISCES

For some time now your rivals have felt your breath down the back of their necks. But you should take great care this week, as an unusual aspect of your sign’s position means you could be eclipsed by someone behind you.

MARYQUARIUS

Although you are a water sign, you often feel out of your depth and fear being washed-up. But don’t worry, Maryquarius. With the moon in retrograde, the tide is going out and everyone will soon sink to your level.

HARNIES

There may well be ominous signs in your stars but it is no use taking off around Asia for three weeks to try to get away from them. Western astrology applies to people all over the world, even in the southern hemisphere where none of these constellations are visible.

GORMIO

As the only sign which views the Earth from above, you have always known you are a very special person. However, after three years in conjunction with Capricowen you are now in the descendent. You should accept your fate and vanish below the horizon, as it would be wrong to interfere with the celestial environment.

OKEEFICUS

Like the new 13th sign, your name sounds suspiciously made-up. However you are still ruled by the familiar rising stars of Easter, as you are increasingly keen to point out. You can be sure that everyone is mightily impressed by your stellar predictability.

LEOVARADKAR

Your first name and the name of a zodiac sign are perfectly aligned, ensuring that you will appear in this article.

KENCER

After what feels like several ages and numerous nadirs, Kencer is set to move out of opposition and assume its rightful place in the firmament. Expect significant career changes but no other changes whatsoever.

LABRA

Although you try to be well-balanced, especially when new opportunities arise, you sometimes find it difficult to juggle everyone’s expectations. If it all gets a bit much in the coming weeks, just remember this cosmic truth: default, dear Burton, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.

TAURIST

After so many years in the same dead-end job you are ready for an averagely earned break. Expect to transit south through your fifth house, while also expecting people to mock your northern accent.

AGITARIUS

Is this the week when all your forces finally come together in a radical new departure? Will you sort out your relationships, get a proper job and still manage to put people before profit? All signs point to no.

VIRGO

The sign of Virgo or Virgin has been removed from Irish horoscopes, due to what is about to happen to the entire population.