DIARY OF A FIRST DOG:Monday
Monday
Alo! I am Bo, the Portuguese Water Dog of Senhor Kennedy. Or at least I was until this morning, when he drove me to a big white house to meet my new master, Senhor Obama.
I had my head out of the window the whole way over. That is always a good idea with Senhor Kennedy.
Tuesday
Today I was house-trained, or “house-broken”, as the Americans say. El Senhor put me outside to spend a penny, or “spend a trillion dollars”, as the Americans now also say. Then he gave me a bath which I did not like because the shampoo stung my eyes.
I do not think shampoo should hurt the First Dog. Still, I suppose that is the audacity of soap.
Wednesday
I have finally been introduced to the rest of El Senhor’s pack. There was some concern that I would make them itch or give them a rash. However, so far it is only El Senhor who is itching to be rash.
Afterwards we all went out to the South Lawn where a lot of journalists asked about my pedigree. I couldn’t quite put my claw on it, but something about this felt a little awkward.
Thursday
Took a dump in the Roosevelt Room. El Senhor was not impressed. “Rules must be binding,” he said. “Violations must be punished. Words must mean something.”
Ai meu Deus! I’ll go in the Rose Garden from now on. Nobody minds if you dump on the bushes.
Friday
The vet arrived to “give me some shots”, which seemed to upset El Senhor. He said I would “need to be neutered shortly”, which also seemed to upset El Senhor.
Then he asked if I had insurance, which was when El Senhor totally lost it.
Saturday
Overheard El Senhor shouting “Sit! Beg! Roll over! Good boy!” For a moment I thought he had got another dog but it was just the Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
Later, I heard El Senhor say, “He’s barking”, although I had not been barking at all. Very strange.
Sunday
There is definitely another dog on the way. El Senhor was shouting down the phone about “the Afghans”, who he thinks are “all shitzus”. Then he asked for “some pointers” and hung up because he was “getting a little husky”.
Monday
It sounds like the new dog will be female. All day I heard people whisper, “the bitch is coming”, but then Senhorita Clinton arrived so everyone was too busy to mention it again.
I considered giving the Senhorita an over-friendly welcome but changed my mind. Apparently, if you get a stain on her dress, she goes loco.
Tuesday
My afternoon nap in the Oval Office was rudely interrupted by El Senhor and Senhorita Clinton.
“We need to give the North Koreans something,” she was screaming. “What in God’s name do they want?” he was screaming back. “Just a gesture to begin with, like a culturally sensitive gift,” she replied.
“Some kind of Korean delicacy, perhaps?” he asked.
Then they both turned and gave me the strangest look. I don’t like this, mes amigos. I don’t like this at all.
As told to Newton Emerson