Newton's Optic: In which Bertie gets a taste of China's unique road to socialism and explains a few cultural differences, as told to Newton Emerson
'He must be executed - in public!" gasped Wen Jiabao as the Taoiseach snatched an airmail Irish Times away, too late, from under his host's clearly horrified gaze. Was there no escaping the Ray Burke story? Even here, in the Great Hall of the People's Small Foyer of the Foreigners?
"I'm afraid we don't do things like that in Ireland," said the Taoiseach by way of explanation, hopefully not via implied criticism. "He'll probably just get a few hours of community service."
"Not even 10 years of re-education through labour?" asked Wen.
"Well that didn't do Pat Rabbitte any good," replied the Taoiseach with his trademark wicked grin. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" said Wen, urgently waving over an interpreter. "Still, Mr Bertie, you seem unusually tolerant of reactionary party elements."
"That's 'Mr Ahern' there, Jiabao - we put the family name last."
"Yes, yes," said Wen brusquely, "the Mr Ray case makes that clear. But what is not clear is the relationship between your cadres and the workers." With that he gestured towards a row of large Chinese characters embossed in gold leaf above the outer door.
"Fight Corruption to Achieve the Four Modernisations," whispered the translator helpfully.
"Right enough. What are the four modernisations?" asked the Taoiseach, attempting to change the subject.
"Anti-imperialism, class struggle, collectivisation and DVD players," said Wen, rattling off the list. "With digital zoom and multi-region playback. I am familiar, of course, with your own anti-imperialist struggle."
"You mean against the Brits?" laughed the Taoiseach.
"No," said Wen patiently. "The Progressive Democrats."
"You are remarkably well briefed on events in my country," said the Taoiseach, admitting defeat.
"Indeed, we Chinese find the Irish surprisingly. . ." Wen paused for a moment, searching for the right word ". . . scrutable". Behind him the Taoiseach could swear he heard an interpreter giggle. This was not going very well. Time to get down to business.
"I understand you would like our support to purchase the Eurofighter," announced the Taoiseach decisively, reaching into his briefcase for the Mark Thatcher Executive Solutions brochure. But Wen flinched visibly and looked away, suddenly flustered. "There is no need! No need!" he shouted. Christ, thought the Taoiseach. He had obviously committed some awful cultural faux-pas and now there was nothing for it but to apologise, even if he had no idea what he was apologising for. This was nearly as bad as dealing with Ian Paisley.
"I'm sorry if I have caused offence," he said, snapping the briefcase shut.
"No, no, it is I who must apologise," said Wen. "I know that in your culture it brings great shame to be asked for photographs of armaments. Indeed, I have read that in all your history it is unheard of for someone to suffer such a terrible loss of face."
"Where did you read that?" asked the Taoiseach, dreading the inevitable answer.
"In the Little Green Book of Chairman Gerry," replied Wen. "This is what concerns us about Mr Ray. It is the first principle of Gerry Adams Thought that the lawful government of Ireland cannot commit a crime - so if a member of your party is found guilty of a crime you will no longer be the government of Ireland."
The Taoiseach hoped his relief did not show. "You misunderstand, Prime Minister," he said. "In Ireland the law is above any party."
"But is Chairman Gerry not above the law?" asked Wen.
"Not once I get home he isn't," decided the Taoiseach aloud, "which reminds me - I need an absolute guarantee that you won't use any of the weapons we let you have to attack Taiwan."
"You have my word," said Wen conspiratorially. "Why would we try to reunify the motherland by force when we can simply use the threat of force? Although of course I cannot be seen to criticise the patriotic goals of the People's Liberation Army."
Well, it was touch and go there for a minute, thought the Taoiseach, and there was something about that last remark that was nagging him, but overall it looked like another diplomatic triumph for Drumcondra's finest. Even Ray Burke's builders couldn't mess with this five-year plan.
"It seems that our two governments have much in common," concluded Wen graciously as a guard announced the arrival of the President of Botswana. Rising to leave, the Taoiseach nodded towards the portrait of Deng Xiaoping, grinning down mischievously from above the carved jade mantelpiece. "Of course we do, Mr Wen," he said. "Sure isn't it all just socialism with Irish characteristics?"
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com