Newton's Optic: Why can't everyone with problem neighbours just move to Ballsbridge? asks Newton Emerson
A morbidly obese family of nine living on benefits in a council house near Romford, all ordered to have a good wash then cut their hedge.
A little old lady with low-spectrum kleptomania, made to crochet "I'm a tea leaf" on her tartan shopping trolley.
A schoolboy with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, forced to travel back in time to just before the abolition of corporal punishment when his medical condition did not exist.
A teenage mother with substance dependency issues and no memory of last weekend, told to stand in front of the microwave until her ovaries stop working.
These are just some of the cases that have made antisocial behaviour orders the most popular and successful policy in British political history.
Their effectiveness has already been verified by a wide range of expert sources. Civil liberties groups, for example, confirm that Asbos discriminate against people who behave in an antisocial manner. Research by Britain's National Association of Magistrates, Social Workers, Probation Officers, Educationalists and So On reveals that many people served with an Asbo subsequently go to prison when they would not otherwise go to prison, because otherwise nobody ever goes to prison.
European Human Rights Commissioner Alvaro Gil-Robles has also published a highly critical report into the use of Asbos in Britain, guaranteeing their continued popularity.
However, proposals for similar legislation in Ireland remain controversial.
Critics have accused the Government of endangering democracy by responding to public pressure in an attempt to win elections.
The Union of Irish Students says Asbos are a simplistic and cheap solution which will be needlessly complicated and expensive. "It is ridiculous to persecute people for rowdy behaviour late at night when I never get up before lunchtime," said one student yesterday.
Several political parties have expressed their reservations. Sinn Féin says it is unreasonable to criminalise young people for antisocial behaviour when they can simply be dragged up an alleyway and shot. The Green Party says the problem of nuisance neighbours can be solved by moving to a large detached house in Ballsbridge, as long as it is made of straw.
Opponents have focused in particular on the use of Asbos against children, because adults who get one tend to look like they deserve it.
"I believe that children are our future," said one campaigner yesterday. "Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside."
Sociologists say there is a well-established relationship between the number of young people taken into custody and the number who go on to become career criminals, although they do not say that this is just because some people are born bad.
"The whole point of being a sociologist is that you never say things like that," explained Pat Answer, Professor of Ordered Behaviour at Dublin Sunday Business College. Prof Answer added: "The other point of being a sociologist is that you don't have to know any maths."
Groups opposed to the introduction of Asbos are now calling on the Government to tackle youth crime by channelling extra resources through groups opposed to the introduction of Asbos.
"Everyone needs to remember that the Children's Act already contains provisions for Parental Supervision Orders and Restriction of Movement Orders," said a spokesman yesterday. "Also, everyone needs to forget that we originally opposed those as well."
Last Saturday 600 protesters from several human rights organisations marched through Dublin to remind everyone of just how few of these people there are. "There are very few of us but that is the point," explained one protester.
"When you're in a majority it's all about democracy. But when you're in a minority it's all about human rights. That Michael McDowell's a right pain though isn't he? If only there was some way of forcing him to keep quiet."