NEWTON'S OPTIC: Newrton Emersonwith the best of what's on television today.
Here are today's television highlights:
14.00 Property Ladder
Sarah Beeny tells amateur developers Derek and Sharon to cut their losses and put everything into Government-backed bonds. Instead, they put a hot tub in the conservatory.
14.30 House Hunters
Liz and Ian slowly realise that the houses are hunting them. Warning: contains moderate horror.
15.00 Dislocation, Dislocation, Dislocation
Phil and Kirstie look for a squat now that they will never work in TV again.
15.30 Bland Designs
Kevin McCloud paints everything magnolia on the advice of a desperate estate agent. Warning: contains gratuitous use of the word "space".
16.00 I'm an Idiot, Get Me Out of Here
John Maguire meets young homeowners who want to move back in with their parents.
16.30 How Clean Is Your Mortgage?
Kim and Aggie dust off the small print on a lending agreement and find a rotting pile of consolidated debt obligations. Will soft soap and flannel cover it up? Viewers may find some scenes disgusting.
17.00 To Buy or Not to Buy
Not to buy, obviously.
17.30 About the House
About the Housewas the title of a 1965 poetry collection by WH Auden. Duncan Stewart relates this and other fascinating facts while locked out of a building site in Clondalkin.
18.00 Bland Designs Abroad
Kevin McCloud shows off his fluent Italian by teaching English in Siena. Warning: contains gratuitous use of the word "spazio".
18.30 I Want a Garden
What a pity you sold it to a developer for a half-finished block of flats. (Subtitled for the hard of thinking.)
19.00 Homes Under the Hammer and Sickle
Sacked London stockbrokers try auctioning off their penthouses to dodgy Russian "entrepreneurs".
19.30 A Place in the Sun
A buy-to-let landlord appears in the Sun after turning his properties into a chain of brothels.
20.00 Starsky and Hutch
Gritty police drama set in a docklands studio apartment.
20.30 Showhouse
Show us your house. Go on, you know you want to. Isn't it lovely? And weren't you clever to buy it back then? Oh look, here's Neville. Neville is Ireland's top interior designer. Seriously, best of luck to the pair of you.
21.00 Changing Rooms
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen revisits all the homes he destroyed with tasteless plywood makeovers and reassures the owners that they would be worthless now anyway.
21.30 House
Dr House loses his own house after the American insurance industry collapses. (House will return next week as No House.)
22.00 House Doctor
Although quite different to Dr House, House Doctor is equally stumped by a spreading contagion. (House Doctor will return next week as House Coroner.)
22.30 Pay Off Your Mortgage in Two Years
Work like a dog and watch every penny or just wait until a euro-zone crisis sparks runaway inflation. Your choice.
23.00 Don't Blame the Builder
Blame the developer. Also, blame the banks, the estate agents, the media, Fianna Fáil and possibly even yourself.
23.30 Home and Away
Reality series following first-time buyers who give up and emigrate to Australia. Followed by Neighbours.