The hopeful signs that can destabilise the peace process

The time for constructive ambiguity may or may not be nearly over, reports Newton Emerson from Leeds Castle

Politicians from both sides of the same coin have returned from the Leeds Castle talks with a renewed vigour to succeed in not taking responsibility for their failure.

The three-day negotiations were held behind closed doors at the spectacular medieval castle with its soaring battlements, magnificent grounds, sparkling moat and graceful swans, forcing hundreds of waiting journalists to write sentences like this one.

Early omens were not promising: Sinn Féin entered the castle gates carrying an MI5 bugging device, despite assurances from security sources that this was "completely unnecessary".

The leader of the DUP, Dr Ian Paisley, was advised not to fly to England on medical grounds, ending what one British official called "the tantalising prospect" of getting all Northern Ireland's politicians on the same aircraft. Ulster Unionist negotiators accused the DUP of stealing their policies, having the wrong policies, and needing to adopt their policies, causing David Trimble to spin slowly anti-clockwise.

Even the SDLP were cautious. "It is appropriate that Leeds Castle is a National Trust property, because unionism must earn nationalist trust and it is equally appropriate that unionism should earn nationalist trust here on National Trust property, and for that reason or perhaps both those reasons I trust unionism will do so properly," said party leader Mr Mark Durkan. There then followed a brief silence, during which his colleague Mr Martin Morgan resigned. Leeds Castle is privately-owned.

Due to the DUP's refusal to speak directly to Sinn Féin and Sinn Féin's refusal to speak directly about anything, talks were conducted via intermediaries. contacts are a useful device for triggering further mechanisms," explained a Downing Street spokesperson, causing Martin McGuinness to run screaming from the room.

By Friday, the two prime ministers were showing clear signs of impatience with the pace of progress. "The time for constructive ambiguity may or may not be nearly over," said the British premier, Tony Blair. I'm not too sure about that now," added the Irish Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern.

However, Saturday morning's last-ditch final hurdle delivered a last-minute 11th-hour breakthrough, with Sinn Féin and the DUP agreeing over what they disagree over.

In a joint statement rolled up as part of the deal, both parties listed a sequence of events, each beginning where the other wants to end and vice versa, causing the whole of Northern Ireland to spin slowly anti-clockwise.

Sinn Féin has agreed to disband the IRA, but failed to agree on how to operate the assembly when it refuses to disband the IRA. The DUP has agreed to share power with republicans, but failed to agree on how to operate the assembly when it refuses to share power with republicans.

Disagreement over the assembly centres on the so-called institutional issue of ministerial accountability. "I don't think you can have a rogue minister going off and taking a decision in defiance of the overwhelming majority," said DUP deputy leader Peter Robinson, in what is not believed to be a reference to the Reverend Paisley. Meanwhile, separate talks between Sinn Féin and the two governments have produced a concrete outline of how IRA disbandment could proceed: first Mr Michael McDowell will issue a statement claiming that the IRA has already disbanded.

Then the IRA will issue a 'strong' statement promising not to issue any more weak statements which may be followed by a proposed timetable for possible acts of decommissioning which may be photographed, depending on political and lighting conditions.

Finally the IRA will transform itself into a 'disciplined' old comrades association with just enough discipline to keep its members in line, but not enough discipline to upset the International Monitoring Commission.

In exchange, the British government will hold an inquiry into the murder of Pat Finucane, then reclassify itself as a terrorist organisation and disband Northern Ireland. "In some respects we have never been closer to solving the problems that have plagued us for decades," Dr Paisley told the British Prime Minister this week. With all sides inching towards a final settlement, the people of Northern Ireland have, for the first time, good reason to believe that their elected representatives are turning away from suspicion and prejudice. Of all the hopeful signs to emerge from Leeds Castle, this is likely to prove the most destabilising.

Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com.