Not a lot doing this morning, and no central unifying theme, but a number of topical, discrete, tangentially related and by no means uninteresting elements of information.
You can't think of anything to write about, so you're giving us a ragbag of leftovers ahead of Christmas rather than after.
Well, you must admit there is a certain originality there.
No jokes then?
Oh, all right. Fellow goes into bar for Christmas drink. No one there but the barman. Man orders a pint, hears someone say: "That's a nice suit you're wearing." Looks around. No one there. Voice says: "I like your haircut." Still no one to be seen. Man getting nervous. Voice says: "You look really well." Man asks barman what is going on. Barman replies: "It's the peanuts: they're complimentary."
It that it?
It is.
Good.
Now: just as Chinese conservation officials have concluded after many years' research that the yeti, or big-foot, does not exist, the Irish Department of the Environment has announced that there is no such person as Santa Claus.
"Various systematic scientific expeditions have found that all reported sightings of Father Christmas were actually other international environmentalists in the region," senior research officer Jim Fir told The Irish Times yesterday.
"I just don't believe the story," said Mr Fir, "and many of my colleagues agree with me." He added that most researchers in the Santa Claus field lacked specialist environmental training.
Tales of a fat man with a white beard, a red suit, a particularly irritating laugh and a suspicious liking for children have circulated for many years in the northern polar region. But following a long hard look at the evidence - footprints on rooftop snow, chimney disturbances and numerous empty whiskey glasses on Christmas morning - the Environment Department has now officially relegated the story to the realms of fantasy.
Not very funny.
No. Anyway, following this newspaper's recent feature about people who face "a very different sort of Christmas" this year, today we feature people whose Christmases will be not an awful lot different from last year:
Joe Truss, you're a taxi-driver in Dublin city. What changes do you expect to see this Christmas?
Changes? How d'ye mean? Don't like our service, is that what you're saying?
Well, it's just been so long since many of us have been able to sample it.
That's because it's a premier service. It's not for everyone like. So there won't be any changes this Christmas. We like to keep it traditional.
So it will be just as hard as ever to get a taxi.
Oh, harder. It's Christmas, remember?
Right. Now, Mary Moans, you're going to have a traditional Christmas like last year, too. Right?
Yes, I didn't win the Lottery last year, and haven't won it so far this year either.
So you're angry and depressed again.
Well, yes, of course, and so is the whole family. But it's sort of becoming a traditional thing - not winning, I mean, so there's a certain nostalgia about this time of year.
It's a bit like the turkey, Santa Claus, and the tree, then, Mary?
Not in the least, but I suppose I know what you mean. And it's kind of nice to know exactly what one is getting, or in my case, not getting.
Nevertheless, you're still as poor as you were last year.
Oh, yes!
Or even poorer, since I under- stand you spent an extra £150 on Lottery tickets so far this year.
Thanks for reminding me, and happy Christmas to you, too.
Thank you. Now: Charles Buttercup, as a banker you had a pretty exciting Christmas last year.
Well, I wouldn't say exciting.
I'm sorry. In your profession, of course you wouldn't. But a vibrant, successful, busy, profitable, loan-packed Christmas?
I would prefer to say we fulfilled targets set by headquarters for the particular seasonal period under discussion.
And you are looking forward to a similarly extravagant Christmas in the current year?
I expect our customers to adhere to their enthusiastic purchasing patterns with particular emphasis on the season of goodwill towards all, including bankers.