NEWTON'S OPTIC:PRESENTER: WELCOME back to Flu News 24, your rolling pandemic channel. I'm joined in the studio by Dr Grant Hunt, an epidemiologist at the University of Shepherd's Bush.
Dr Hunt, Killer Pig Flu is spreading rapidly worldwide. Should we close down all the airports?
Dr Hunt: Well, air travel can spread disease but you have to remember that most flu viruses are carried around the world by birds in a few weeks anyway.
Presenter: A shocking statistic there and if you’ve seen a bird today, especially near an airport, we’d like to hear from you. E-mail your pictures and comments to not_the_credit_crunch_thank_christ@news24.com.
In a moment we’ll be going over to the World Health Organisation control room for a live press conference.
Dr Hunt, doesn’t the decision to set up this control room prove that the experts think we’re all doomed?
Dr Hunt: No, of course not. They’re right to be concerned but all it proves is that the international monitoring systems are working.
In fact, most people in the control room will just be watching the rolling news, while the rolling news watches them. It’s really quite funny if you think . . .
Presenter: And a breaking story coming in from Australia. Yes, we can confirm that a 23-year-old man has been rushed to hospital in Kalgoorlie after feeling “a bit woozy”.
Dr Hunt, does this terrifying rate of contagion among young adults remind you of the 1918 Spanish flu pandemic?
Dr Hunt: The age of the patients is a concern but Spanish flu had a 50 per cent infection rate and a 20 per cent mortality rate. If this virus was even a fraction as deadly we would all know by . . .
Presenter: I’m afraid I’ll have to interrupt you there because the mayor of Mexico City has just revised the local death toll up to 150.
This is one of the world’s largest and most overcrowded cities. Dr Hunt, should we imagine scenes of medieval Black Death-type horror?
Dr Hunt: Certainly not. Those deaths are tragic but there are 28 million people in Mexico City, so 150 fatalities after nearly a month is actually rather . . .
Presenter: I’m going to have to interrupt you again and ask why all the fatalities have been in Mexico City if there is nothing thrillingly awful about it?
Dr Hunt: Because most flu-related deaths are due to pneumonia, which western healthcare systems are superb at treating, and all the non-Mexican cases so far have been tourists from western countries. It’s really quite simple when . . .
Presenter: I’ll have to interrupt you yet again for some exclusive late breaking news. Speaking live on this programme, Dr Grant Hunt from the University of Shepherd’s Bush has confirmed that Mexicans are uniquely susceptible to Killer Pig Flu. Are you Mexican? Have you recently eaten Mexican food? Do you remember the Alamo? E-mail your pictures and comments to speculative_generalisation@flunews24.com.
Dr Hunt: Right, I’m interrupting you with a newsflash. New flu strains kill 500,000 people around the world every year. If you’re going to sit there 24 hours a day reporting every rumoured case . . .
Presenter: And I’m afraid that we have to interrupt Dr Hunt to call security.
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