NEWTON'S OPTIC: Newton Emersonwrites a guide on what to do in a state of emergency
National Movement Emergencies
The National Movement Emergencies booklet has now been distributed to every Fianna Fáil home in the country. Newton Emerson reviews its life-saving advice.
Flood Tribunal
While rarely fatal, the rising waters of a Flood tribunal can still cause significant property damage.
What to do
- Look for high ground
- Hold your breath
- Cling to anything that floats
Radioactive Taoiseach
Towards the end of its useful life a Taoiseach can leak and contaminate people near by.
What to do
- Check which way the wind is blowing
- Stand as far back from the Taoiseach as possible
- Do not swallow anything
Climate Change
Every now and then the climate can change.
What to do
- Change right along with it
Environmental Disaster
In an environmental disaster, something which was once Green and pleasant can suddenly turn toxic.
What to do
- Phone the Chinese ambassador
- Apologise profusely
- Incinerate the affected area
Political Earthquake
Tectonic shifts in Europe may open up hidden fault-lines across Ireland.
What to do
- Run into the countryside
- Hold on to a farmer very tightly
- Cry "Yes! Yes! Yes!" until the earth moves
Economic Collapse
This can happen by itself or be caused by other disasters, except a "No" vote on EU reform, which will only cause economic collapse in Africa.
What to do
- Award yourself a 10 per cent pay increase
- Pay everyone else to produce stupid booklets
Dublin 4 Eruption
Any serious attempt to address crime, welfare dependency or the size of the public sector will cause Dublin 4 to blow its top. Thousands could be injured by flying lava-lamps.
What to do
- Do not address crime
- Do not address welfare dependency
- Do not address the size of the public sector
Chicken Plague
(See Dublin 4 Eruption)
Endemic Pandemic
By far the most indiscriminate of all the rhyming catastrophes, with the possible exception of a carte blanche avalanche. An endemic pandemic is usually caused by an influenza epidemic.
What to do
- Contact a medic
- Take your prescription to a pharmacist
- Take the pharmacist to court if he does not cut his margins
by half
Supercollider Accident
Man-made black hole in Switzerland sucks in the entire planet.
What to do
- Console yourself that England goes first.
Terrorism (foreign)
Your assistance is required to protect the public against extremists.
What to do
- Remain vigilant
- Report all men with beards
- Take measures if you notice anything suspicious
Terrorism (domestic)
Extremists may require your assistance to protect the public.
What to do
- Remain calm
- Ignore all men with beards
- Take no notice of any suspicious measures
Zombie Attack
Although technically dead, Fine Gael can still surround the slow-moving and attempt to eat their brains.
What to do
- Make it clear that you have no brains
Social Breakdown
Signs of impending anarchy include newspaper photographs of the Defence Minister brandishing a gun.
What to do
- Lock the armoury
- Give the Minister some other nonsense to do instead
- He can't possibly embarrass you now, can he?