BACK PAGES: There wasn't much in the censored and shrunken newspapers of the second World War years – today's paper in 1942 had only four pages – to bring a smile to a reader's lips. So the appearance of Myles na gCopaleen's Cruiskeen Lawn column from 1940 onwards must have been a ray of sunshine. In this column, he tried out some of the styles he perfected over the years.
IT IS now 16 or 17 years since I saw the queen of France, then the dauphiness, at Versailles; and surely never lighted on this orb, which she hardly seemed to touch, a more delightful vision. I saw her just above the horizon, decorating and cheering the elevated sphere which she just began to move in; glittering like the morning star, full of life, and splendour, and joy.
The Plain People of Ireland: Sure than wan went to the wall years ago, you must be mixin’ her up with some other party.
Myself: For me the queen of France never died.
The Plain People of Ireland: And if it’s above the horizon you seen her, that’s fair enough, many’s a man seen more than the queen of France and him out in a boat fishin’, coopers of stout and sandwiches, half fallin’ out of the boat rotten fluthery-eyed drunk on porter and whiskey, sure is it any wonder you’re seein’ visions man? Sure Lord save us you’ll be Napolean Boneypart himself next above in the Grange weedin’ turnips.
Myself: I was at a wake the other night and every man jack was drunk – including the corpse.
The Plain People of Ireland: O faith now never mind the wakes, many’s a better man than you was happy enough at home be the fire with Knocknagow or a good American cowboy story, there’s a very bad type of person goin’ round now that wasn’t known in our father’s day.
OVERHEARD
I tried to get it many a time. O many a time. Well I could never see any harm in it.
I seen it once in a shop on the quays, hadn’t any money on me at the time and when I came back to look for it a week later bedamn but it was gone. And I never seen it in a shop since.
Well, I can’t see what all the fuss was about.
You read it, did you?
I couldn’t see any harm at all in it, there was nothing in it.
I tried to get it many a time meself . . .
There’s no harm in it at all.
Many’s a time I promised meself I’d look that up and get it.
Nothing at all that anybody could object to, not a thing in it from the first page to the last.
It’s banned, o’ course.
Not a thing that anybody could object to, NO HARM AT ALL IN IT, nothing at all anywhere in the whole thing.
MORE DEAD WORDS
Here’s a quare one. What will we not feel now till Christmas?
It.
What is the nature of a certain sort of shame?
It cries.
What rich nourishing liquid is associated with a joke?
Cream.
What kind of eschatological aspect will you acquire if you don’t come offa that wet grass?
Your end.
What metal container is associated with the acting of certain people?
The cannister.
What is your misfortune the price of?
You.
What monetary evaluation of you is your misfortune?
The price.
In what dexterous and thorough manner does it serve you? Right.
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