Rumblings about changes in our own army. Ruminations from France about theirs. Now, there is an old army maxim - reprehensible as you may think it - and it says simply: "Never volunteer." "Philippe, Bouvard, one of the best known media people in France, gives us an example from his own conscript days. He and a whole contingent arrive at their first barracks after a thirty hour journey in a slow train, to be given a festive meal, complete with an accompaniment by six "sadistic accordionists", grinding out Farewell Paris.
About one o'clock in the morning, when Bouvard was nodding off at the table after two nights without sleep, the head of the table, NCO or Officer, asks "Which of you knows anything about Napoleon." Automatically, writes Bouvard, "I raised my hand." Good, was the reply. "You wash the dishes." And Bouvard: "So I went to bed four hours after those who knew nothing about the First Empire." When visits were permitted (he had agreed to serve in Germany, at Kaiserslautem), his mother came and got to see the Commandant. "Is he eating well?" she asked. The commandant's reply is not recorded.
Bouvard says he was clumsy at dismantling and then putting together again old firearms which, according to his testimony, could be as dangerous to the handlers as to any potential enemy. He was particularly maladroit and his comrades made made fun of him. But then he also had his uses for them - he won considerable respect when, in the evenings, he helped them phrase their love letters to their sweethearts.
He found his niche at last in the army. The regiment had no news letter or information sheet, call it what you will. Bouvard suggested that he should set one up. (Lord - he wasn't volunteering, was he? No maybe that was different.) If it wasn't honour and glory, it was at least a comfortable life: a fancy uniform he bought from an adjutant who was retiring; a room in the town; a jeep at his disposal. His only concern was not to lose all his pay in card playing.
He wrote this column when President Jacques Chirac, not only President but also Head of the Armed Forces and, to boot, a Colonel in the Reserve, announced the coming end of conscription. Bouvard says his return to civilian life, after fifteen months, was painful. But the army had made a man of him. "Today I feel it in my heart for the millions of adolescents to whom the economy mother country will no longer offer this opportunity."