Newton'sOptic: Newton Emerson found an armchair republican guiltily fantasising while watching yesterday's news.
British troops have completed the evacuation of Protestant settlers from occupied Ireland, an armchair republican guiltily fantasised while watching the news yesterday.
Anne Phoblacht (23), who is not a bigot because only unionists are bigots, urged herself to remain calm and to comply with official dreams of Irish unification in a peaceful and dignified manner.
However, there were ugly scenes in the back of her mind as heavy-handed aspirations clashed with a large number of resident prejudices. "Jesus Christ," Ms Phoblacht muttered aloud throughout the broadcast. "They're even wearing orange."
Expelling the settlers is an emotive and controversial issue for Ms Phoblacht's wider psyche, thanks to a long legacy of conflict between what she tells herself and what she actually thinks.
The Dundalk-based community activist has made repeated commitments to withdraw her own state of mind back to its internationally established borders but has failed to meet all previous deadlines, citing insecurity concerns and serious headaches.
"I don't really want the Protestants to leave," she agreed with herself yesterday. "Just the ones who don't really agree with me." Further sporadic disturbances occurred as Ms Phoblacht pulled back from the implications of that remark. Incidents included a brief but tense stand-off between her ego and her intellect, and a curious urge to make Israeli soldiers cups of tea. For a while.
"This isn't the same situation at all though," Ms Phoblacht reminded herself as a group of extremist thoughts barricaded themselves into her subconscious. "Jewish settlers in Gaza are a small number of fundamentalist invaders who have no right to be there. British planters in Ulster are a large number of fundamentalist invaders who have no right to be there.
"That's why accommodation is so important - especially as they could all be accommodated in north Down and east Antrim. For a while."
In addition to tactical retreats from unacceptably dangerous territory, Ms Phoblacht protects herself from other areas of her brain not fully under her control by hiding behind an 800-year mental barrier. However, even this can never be 100 per cent effective.
"If any of them still want to be British then they can damn well go to Britain," she suddenly thought as the news bulletin continued.
Incredible as it might seem to anyone from a normal country, no-warning attacks of this nature are a daily fact of life inside Ms Phoblacht's head.
For this, and numerous other reasons, experts doubt that she will ever achieve complete stability.
"Anne Phoblacht simply isn't prepared for the realities of a two-state solution," claims Dr Pat Answer, Professor of Advanced Denial at Dublin Sunday Business College.
"She may have half-fooled herself into thinking otherwise. She has certainly fooled half of America into thinking otherwise. But at the end of the day, the only authority she truly acknowledges is her own."
Meanwhile, yesterday's news concluded with dramatic footage of tearful families being carried from their homes, established communities being forcibly displaced and entire villages being systematically demolished.
"It is difficult not to feel some human sympathy for the settlers," concluded BBC correspondent Mona Gurn with some difficulty.
"Yet tempering that obligatory nod to impartiality is the widespread relief felt around the world - and not least in much of Israel itself - at the final humiliation of this awkward, aggressive and deeply unpopular bunch of religious nutters."
From behind the wall inside her head, Anne Phoblacht could swear she heard the sound of music.
"I will not cease from mental fight," she began singing to herself as she switched off the television. "Nor shall my sword sleep in hand. Till they have built Jerusalem. In England's green and pleasant land."