FROM THE ARCHIVES:In this Irishman's Diary, Quidnunc re-enacts the trauma of querying a phone bill back when the telephone monopoly was run by the post office.
BUZZ-BUZZ, Buzz-buzz, Buzz-buzz . . . (In dramatised versions this introductory noise, which should be easily identified as the ringing tone of a telephone, may be prolonged indefinitely. Producers who strive after realism, however, are recommended to cut it on the forty-ninth repetition).
“Hello. Is that the G.P.O? It is? Wonderful! Still standing there in dear old O’Connell street? Good! Actually I thought there might have been another 1916 and that you’d all been evacuated . . .
“What’s that? No. I did not say you’d all been eviscerated – what’s the use of wishful thinking on the telephone – it does no good to anybody . . . No no no, don’t cut me off, please, please! Actually, I think that you’re a wonderful organisation . . .
“Hello? Accounts Branch? Oh, yes – and A Chara to you, too, I’m sure. Well, Bhí fear ann fadó . . . Look, could I go on in the other medium – the Fáinne’s a bit rusty? Thanks. It’s about a lovely little account you sent me for my telephone a few days ago. Oh, yes, it was all beautifully itemised; real text-book accountancy stuff.
“There was only one tiny little thing, so small, really, that I hate to bother you about it. A mere matter of five bob – sorry, five shillings. Well, I mean, five shillings here or there mean nothing to me, but I was rather wondering why you had charged me that much for a reconnection fee.
“Oh, I see – it’s the standard reconnection charges. And very reasonable, too, I must say. The only thing is – and I do hate to bore you with these trivialities – but, you see, I wasn’t disconnected. But of course I’ll hold on . . .
“Hello? Delinquent Subscribers’ Section? That’s right. The number is Oxmantown 12345 and the name is Soap, Joseph. Yes, most people do call me Joe – how clever of you.
“Your Petty Criminals’ (Research) Sub-Section has gone into the matter and finds that my number was disconnected. When did you say? Ah, from March the 18th to March the 21st? Funny, I don’t remember.
“Yes, of course, if it’s there in black and white it must be so and as a matter of fact, I think I was a bit late with my account. Of course, I quite agree. The sensible thing to do is to pay the five shillings and forget about it. There’s just one little thing, if it wouldn’t be a nuisance. Would you ask the other half of your research sub-section to find out what calls were made from Oxmantown 12345 during those three days?
“Well, you see, I’m pretty certain that those were the three days when I made 19 trunk calls to Luton, Bedfordshire, about Aunt Agatha’s gardening straw (her hats are always bespoke jobs). And, naturally, if my phone was cut off at the time, you couldn’t possibly charge me for the trunk calls, now could you?
“You’ll what? Oh, you’ll institute further inquiries? Excellent – and I’ll hear from you? Sure you wouldn’t like me to hold on? Ah, well, beannacht, le meas mór, mór, mór . . .”