Sir, - I am amazed at the naivety of the people who have been writing to you recently complaining about the incorrect version of Irish names on signposts, etc. Surely they realise that English is the native language of at least 99 per cent of the Irish people and therefore, presented with a choice, this is the language which will catch their eye. The Irish version is simply not seen.
You have only to look at the Irish versions of street names to see that what I say is true. They are riddled with discrepancies and contradictions and have obviously been dreamed up by people who have had only the faintest brush with Irish. The one which amuses me most, and it has been around for years, is Dartmouth rendered by D-A-R-T-M-O-U-T-H... buailte!
No, the purpose of these Irish versions is really quite simple. It is to assure ourselves that we would really like to speak Irish if it were a totally painless process, and to pretend to the rest of the world that we actually do speak it. Since the rest of the world might begin to smell a rat if they began to notice the bloomers in the Irish versions (that is if they haven't already noticed the fact that none of us actually speak Irish) I make the following modest proposal.
We want words which look as different from English as possible and are internally consistent. What I suggest, therefore, is that we take the English versions of names and replace A with B, B with C etc. You can see the impressive result of this alphabetic shift demonstrated in the version of my address given below. English it ain't, and that's what matters.
I am pleased to recommend this simple procedure to the relevant Government and local authorities. Since I will not be seeking copyright, they are welcome to use it without further attribution. - Yours, etc.,
Nlbepx Hspwf,
Evcmjjo 16.
(Meadow Grove,
Dublin 16).