Madam, – As a happily obscure provincial accountant, may I suggest a (relatively) painless way to raise the income of the State by the introduction of the following taxes. They are modern, user- friendly and ecosound.
A Loudness Tax: We used to call this noise. All establishments playing local radio, national radio etc, will charge their patrons a 10 per cent fee for the benefit of listening to background loudness. Those who play music sung by artists who sound as if they have just stood upon a spike will charge 12.5 per cent.The loudness tax will be returned to Revenue on the bimonthly Vat return in the normal way.
A Socioeconomic Expression Tax (SET): We used to call this whingeing. This will be collected by a subdivision to be set up within Customs Excise. Staff will be recruited from the most emotionally aware members of the currently unemployed and will levy on-the-spot fines for socio-economic expressions. They will wear a fetching and distinctive russet uniform, will come in all probability to be known as Redsetters and will number about 350,000. The fine will be a standard €50 payable in cash or by handheld laser/ credit card machine.
A Verbose Mental Self-Actualisation Tax (VMSA): This was previously know as preaching. When I was a boy it was done to the media and the country at large by bishops of the majority persuasion. They have now for some reason fallen silent and their place has been taken by journalists, broadcasters, economists, social workers and various politicians of the liberal and left leaning variety. This tax will be collected from a database to be set up by a statutory body under the control of the opposition political parties as these are uniquely qualified to identify those who VMSA the most.
The tax will be graduated on a rising scale of earnestness starting at 15 per cent for the cynical with a top rate of 65 per cent for the most extravagantly self-obsessed. It will be collected by a new branch of Revenue of 100,000 members to be drawn from the remaining ranks of the currently unemployed.
Their appointment will be in the gift of the combined opposition, thereby allowing such political parties to practise patronage whilst in the wilderness. These tax collectors will wear an even more fetching uniform of clerical grey, piped in umber. This will allow taxpayers, in some small way, to feel a sense of continuity.
Conclusion: It is estimated that these three taxes should raise about €20 billion a year. In addition, unemployment will be eliminated and opposition parties will have a meaningful role in the fiscal life of the State.
Lastly, but certainly not least, practising accountants and lawyers will be given a new lease of life from the appeals mechanism to be set up. Arguments around the appropriate rate of SET and VMSA, etc, to be charged should keep them in decent fees on an ongoing basis.
As the humble originator of the above taxes I am, of course, available to advise all interested parties on an ongoing and extravagantly- paid basis. – Yours, etc,