NEWTON'S OPTIC:DEAR READERS, I am writing to you in the context of not writing to you at all. This article is addressed to my colleagues, and it is only through the entirely incidental matter of its publication that you have come to be aware of it, writes
NEWTON EMERSON
When I was appointed to this position at the bottom of the opinion page, it was on the basis that it would make the other columnists look serious and the letter-writers look normal.
This is clearly reflected in the Constitution of The Irish Times, which says: "Newton's Optic should be above politics and controversy but below Vincent Browne and An Irishman's Diary."
Fulfilling this vital role requires that I be strictly impartial and neutral. “Neutral Newton,” you could call me. It might seem that I just sit down here looking pretty but by virtue of my historic position I am the most important person in the paper; the very essence and symbolic standard-bearer of its institutional integrity.
That is why it simply would not be proper for me to discuss the trip to Lurgan by space shuttle.
The trip was made while researching an article for the travel section, which is so completely different to the opinion page that it is as if I was a completely different person.
The travel editor has issued a statement and I do not propose to add to it or to comment on it. Except to say that trips of this nature are standard practice in travel writing. Most importantly, all costs were paid not to the writer but to Nasa and, to a much lesser extent, Lurgan.
As regards subsequent trips to Lurgan on the space shuttle while working for the opinion page, I would ask you to bear in mind the following. It has long been recognised that I am the main representative of this newspaper to the outside world. Only my articles are picked up by witless foreign bloggers and plastered all over the special-needs section of the internet. A man of my status expects a suitable means of transportation, preferably capable of Mach 17.5. Opinions change fast; it is important to arrive at a conclusion before everyone else does.
On a personal level I do acknowledge that some of the costs appear high, but it should be borne in mind that both the orbiter and the solid rocket boosters are re-usable. In any case, Fás had spare tickets left over from the Science Challenge programme, not that we’re getting into the whole State agency thing.
As I have mentioned before, the nature of my position prevents me from becoming embroiled in controversy. Therefore, I will uphold the highest standards of my office by not defending myself. I might mention that again a few more times to see if anyone mistakes it for an argument.
Finally, I had not intended to draw attention to the fact that I took a 5 per cent pay cut this year but, whoops, it just slipped out.
I am also too modest to add that I have been hitting the gym since this photo byline was taken and now look pretty hot. However, a signed updated picture is available on request. If you live somewhere nice, perhaps the wife and I will drop it over.