NEWTON'S OPTIC:HOW CAN the people of Zimbabwe drive their president from office? Newton Emersonimagines one obvious solution.
Mr Justice Mbargo:Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hereby open day 3,961 of the Tribunal of Inquiry into Certain Electoral Matters and Problems and call President Robert Mugabe to the stand.
President Robert Mugabe:This is an outrage! I have a country to run! I'm 94 you know! The entire British government is homosexual!
Mbargo: Mr President, I must ask you to withdraw all those remarks except the last one. Now, if we may return to the matter of your claim that you would "paint the homeland red with blood". What exactly did you mean by that?
Mugabe:I wanted to do some redecorating. Is that a crime? My exact words were that I wanted to paint the house but it would be bloody hard work. I was deliberately misquoted by that troublemaker Vincent Black on Radio Harare.
Mbargo:Ah yes, the famous journalist Mr Black. Nobody has seen him now for quite some time. Why is that, Mr President?
Mugabe:Because nobody watches him on TV Bulawayo.
Mbargo:Fair enough. However, while planning to "redecorate" you received a cheque from Matabele Motors for Zim$45,869 million. Is it a coincidence that on the day this cheque arrived it was worth exactly €1?
Mugabe:It might as well have been a coincidence. By the time my secretary got to the bank it was only worth €0.65.
Mbargo:You also received a blank cheque from Zambezi Canoes. What was that used for?
Mugabe:A dug-out.
Mbargo:Let us see if your secretary has a different recollection. Call Ms Truly Ndeep to the stand.
Truly Ndeep:I don't remember! It was 15 years ago! Do you know how many cheques were coming in? Why is this still happening to me? (Ms Ndeep breaks down and is carried from the court.)
Mbargo:That was most unfortunate and entertaining. But Mr President, it does not explain how you could bank a cheque to redecorate your house when you had no bank account and no house.
Mugabe:Why would I have a bank account in Zimbabwe? The exchange rate is a joke. I just cashed cheques and kept cash in my house.
Mbargo:But I thought it was not your house.
Mugabe:Technically, no, it still belonged to a farmer who let me live there for free. This was all perfectly normal at the time. People were not always as obsessed with property ownership as they are today.
Mbargo:But you later obtained the deeds?
Mugabe:I refuse to say anything more about my deeds. This tribunal operates under British law and may well be homosexual. You should be ashamed of harassing an ordinary man with no savings or assets who is also a hero of the liberation struggle. I have done nothing to disgrace any office with a safe which I have held.
Mbargo:Mr President, your speech has moved us all to tears...
The tribunal continues.