OPINION:CONJURING SOMETHING into existence merely by promising it exists is an almost supernatural power. Now that Brian Lenihan has used this power to save Ireland's banks, how else might his remarkable gift be deployed, asks Newton Emerson?
Clearly, the Minister for Finance's next task is to restore confidence in the public finances. By guaranteeing that the €10 billion wiped off revenue still exists, as long as the Government does not try spending it all at once, next week's budget can proceed as planned.
Unemployment is a growing worry for many people. By guaranteeing that everyone still has a job, as long as fewer and fewer people actually go into work, Mr Lenihan should restore complete confidence in the labour market.
The energy market could also benefit from the Minister's magic touch. Energy prices have risen sharply over the past year amid fears that the world is running out of oil.
By guaranteeing all the world's oil deposits, as long as only a handful are tapped at the same time, prices should soon return to normal.
The Minister's remarkable powers may even work in reverse. China is sitting on $1.5 trillion in foreign currency reserves. Any move to offload this would devastate the US economy. By guaranteeing that the Chinese deposits do not exist, as long as everyone looks the other way and whistles The Star Spangled Banner, Mr Lenihan could prop up the dollar forever.
Beyond economics, there are many other areas where the Minister's gift could be applied.
Both candidates in the US presidential election have promised to withdraw troops from Iraq.
Taken together, these promises add up to more troops than are actually there.
By guaranteeing that all the troops can be withdrawn, as long as no more than half are taken out without sending some back, Mr Lenihan would greatly reassure the American public.
Mr Lenihan could also visit Israel, Iran and Ballymena to declare that the fundamentalists are sound.
Global warming is a matter of international concern, with carbon dioxide approaching dangerous levels in the atmosphere.
Mr Lenihan should calmly direct public attention to the oceans, where there is still plenty of liquidity in the system. Walking on water will probably not be necessary at this juncture.
But why restrict a power of such near-divine provenance to the confines of the Earth?
There are billions of planets in our galaxy alone.
Knowing that even one other contained life would have a profound effect on the human psyche.
By guaranteeing that life does exist on other planets, Mr Lenihan could undo much of the existential angst which damages consumer confidence in the run-up to Christmas.
Scientists at the European supercollider lost confidence in the entire universe last month when a sudden meltdown stopped their search for the Higgs boson. This is a purely speculative particle which gives everything else its mass.
Mr Lenihan could restore much-needed confidence in the universe by guaranteeing that speculative particles do indeed have mass, although he may wish to avoid emphasising the gravity of the situation.
In fact, there is no reason why Mr Lenihan should not just go for broke and guarantee the existence of God.
What could give us more faith in our savings than knowing, through the Blessings of Brian, that we will all surely be saved?