The way to put manners on large car louts is to hit them where it hurts: their egos, argues Martyn Turner.
I CAN'T say I have ever taken too much interest in cars - although I would be happy to test drive the new Tesla all electric roadster if someone has one handy. When you are 6ft 7in and a bit wrung dry, most normal car questions go out of the window. MPG, airbags, safety cage, fuel injection, diesel, who cares?
There's only one question . . . "can I fit in it?" Ninety per cent of the time the answer is either "no" or "only for short journeys".
Thus my car, imported from England five years ago, was a whopping great five-year-old Mercedes 230E which now, celebrating its 10th birthday, has done 100,000 miles. If they take 10 years to print this article you can be pretty sure my car will be a 20-year-old Mercedes 230E which will have done 200,000 miles.
When the man delivered it from London (having stopped in Naas to register it and pay the import duty, of course) I had a small heart attack. On the back it said 320E.
"I don't want a three-litre car, I want a small one (relatively)," I said.
"Don't worry," he said, "it's a 230. It's badged wrong."
I told this story to my local garage a while later. "Maybe it was a dyslexic German car worker," I said.
He looked at me pitiably, stood on a box and patted me on the head as if I was a bewildered schoolboy.
"Rebadging Mercedes is a way of life. All E class Mercs have the same body. A man/woman/thing gets given a 200E at work and he/she/it rushes round and has it badged up to 230, 280 or 300, so people think them more important than they are."
"You mean you heard this happening once?" I asked.
"Once a week," he said.
Standing in the same garage the other day I was talking to a car dealer who has known me for years and knows me for the parsimonious old git that I am. He specialises in top of the range cars. Mercs, Beamers, Lexi, Jags, etc.
"Think I should change my car?" I asked to make conversation.
"How many miles has it done?" he replied
"100,000."
"Ah no, you're good for another 150,000," he said.
He then told me a tale. These days, he said, in modern Ireland mileage has ceased to be the most important thing about a car. The most important thing is the date on the registration plate.
"Thus," he opined, "I can sell a car with an '07 number plate that has done 40,000 miles for more than an '06 or '05 car that has done 30,000 miles."
The car is now even more of a status symbol than it ever was, and the Irish registration system has added to the phenomenon. It is all the Government's fault.
Sitting outside the swimming pool last week, waiting for Herself, eyeing three '08 SUVs parked in a row opposite - a Porsche, a Volvo and a Lexus - to the value of a small house - a thought struck me.
These SUVs were parked poorly, spread over five parking places and at all angles, possibly reflecting the standard of driving of some SUV drivers (yes, I'm one of those . . . an SUV hater) - well it's tough to control a Hummer when you are on the phone and the kids are bouncing around in the back. So I got to thinking about penalties for traffic offences.
Normally when we do something wrong and get caught, we get a fine and a penalty point and we go about our business. It is supposed to shock us slightly into mending our ways.
Now those who embrace the large '08 car enthusiastically aren't going to be put off by a fine.
No gentle shock there. If they have just spent 100 grand on a car they aren't going to be bothered by forking out €500 in court.
But what might bother them is if we take their '08 number plate and relegate it to an '06 number plate. Think of the shame amongst the peer group!
Would their children, used to the best, agree to get into a two-year-old car? It would be a real shock for their value system.
Furthermore, when they have to sell the car, immediately, they will only get the price of an '06 car in part exchange, so they will be fined secondarily by the car dealer.
Large Mercedes owners like me can also be debadged . . . that 400E can become a 200E at the flick of a wrist.
Over to you, Minister for Justice, Environment, whoever. You can have the idea for free.